Verbal Vomit

So let me first say that if you work with me or for me you should not read this post.

No, really.

Just walk away.

Okay, now that they're gone, let me begin spewing.

I am so fing frustrated right now that I could spit.

I cannot seem to get ahead and no matter what I do or how I do it my boss seems incapable of not sticking her nose in.

I recently described her as a dog marking her territory by pissing on everything I do. She has never once, (six years here) handed me anything I worked on and said - "that's great as is". And you might point at me here. You might. But you shouldn't. I am not the problem.

Two moments of wonderment this week:

"Okay, well why don't you start the article and then we'll send it to (her friend) to make it pretty."

um.

okay.

Because I was not a fucking literature major with a minor in creative writing!!!

Because clearly my writing skills are sub par. Because I am apparently not capable of stringing more than two fucking sentences together without her assistance!!!!

Okay.

And then as the ultimate insult. She held a "grammar seminar" last week. A grammar fucking seminar. For adults. Working adults. Adults who work for her and have better things to do with their time!

Okay so here we are at her grammar seminar and she has worked up tests and examples and every single example of a poorly written sentence? Mine!

Now you need to understand that I write 98.9% of every piece of anything that our company produces. Everything we do starts at my desk.

Obviously my writing samples are easy to use. But why didn't she just make examples up?

Why actually use my writing as an example to the entire company of poor writing to the entire company?

It's demeaning. And it's disrespectful. And I know that she did not mean it to be.

But it was. And it is.

I am not sure what to do with all this crap that is building up about my job.

Overall, this is a pretty good gig. She is a great person. And she understands (and supports) my family structure. I also take a great deal of pride in what I have done and continue to do for this company.

But Jesus Fucking Christ. Something has got to change.

And soon.

The Tattoo Story - Finally

So there it is in all it's glory. It has settled down some since then and is no longer shiny.

I will go an get it colored in sometime next month.

I think it is a beautiful thing. And I do not think I will ever get another tattoo. My previous statement holds. I see no reason to seek out pain.

ordinarily.

But this felt right and good and calming. I chose my flowers with great care. These are rare and beautiful flowers, they are a flash of beauty in an other wise dusty and bleak world. They are rare and exotic. I was unable to find an example of this tattoo online.

So I arrived at the parlor with lots of pictures and my story. I introduced myself to the lady I had chosen based on her portfolio online. Her name is Ana and she had a picture of herself with her horse in her gallery.

When I walked in I told her what I wanted and took out my photos. She was immediately excited. Turns out that the "night blooming cereus" is her favorite flower and she has a plant in her house in Hawaii.

Then I told her why I wanted the tattoo. Turns out she also had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in emergency surgery.

As she said - you won't hear that from a male tattoo artist. It was fated really.

"I'll draw up your photo and while you're under the needle we can swap OR stories."

And that is exactly what we did. and while she inked me she kept exclaiming about how great she thought it was looking. She also used her "sacred heart" needle because it was a love tatoo. And it was a little more than I expected and it was totally right for what it was. I sat under the needle for two and a half hours.

This was what I needed. When I needed it.

And I have this forever memorial. And it is also a celebration. And that is how all memorials should be.

I had some bad moments this weekend. I was walking along with my husband and the kids were running ahead. Out of nowhere came this thought:

"You know I would be 5 months now and I would be showing."

He looked at me from behind his glasses and hummed a little "hmmm". Not sure what to say to that.

I looked away too, because I wasn't sure what was supposed to come next either.

And then a few weeks ago I hung out with a woman who has the same due date as I did. (I have to wonder why they told me my due date when they knew I wasn't going to make it...)

When she said the date it didn't just affect me. It attacked me like a man hidden behind a corner just waiting for me to come his way. I was caught so off guard by this that I had to go to the restroom to cry. Sob actually.

And I couldn't go near that woman again. Looking at her physically hurt me.

I had to leave the restaurant.

So. I am healing. The scars have stopped itching, the tattoo no longer hurts and the laughter has returned.

But I am still healing.

A Picture Post

Let me say from the start that we had a great time. A really wonderful I love my family kind of weekend.


We did a lot of playing in the dirt...


We had some good times...


And some mad times...





Some just too cute times...





And we saw some wild horses... Isn't he just beautiful!?!





And then, we were ready to be home.

A Camping we will go...

Howdy Pardners!

We are heading off to a western themed camp park for the holiday weekend. I have been teaching the kids that whenever they see a cow boy this weekend they need to say "Yee Haw!".

I am a little torn about this camping trip.

When I was younger and childless I used to go camping. Camping.

Roughing it in the woods where you used the honor system to leave your $5 a night in the state camp ground drop box and you had a porta potty - maybe a real bathroom somewhere close.

I really liked that kind of camping. I would fish and hike the woods or just relax and read a book by the tent.

But I gotta tell you, I really like this other kind of camping too. Because my kids LOVE it. They loved the fact that they slept in a bus. They adore the water park like kiddie pool. It's like a Disney Land camp ground.

And I feel like this is what is the better choice for all of us right now. And maybe I am wrong. Because I am positive that they would be fine digging in the dirt and going exploring. But this other option - this tent in a theme park. That works well too.

So we will say Yee haw to the cowboys (and cowgirls), swim in the pool, hang out on the beach, go miniature golfing, fish off the dock and generally have a blast.

And maybe next time we will choose a state park and just enjoy the world as it was created.

Or maybe next time we will do Disney Land.

So many vacations. So little time.

I hope you have a great weekend, whatever your plans.

Adios Buckaroo.

I couldn't get back to work fast enough...

I was at a meeting last night for our daycare's parent group and one of the mom's made the above statement.

I was struck by two things.

1.She clearly has no guilt associated with that statement

2.I feel the same way

So the fact that I always feel that I should follow up any declarations of the above sentiment with the sentence "don't get me wrong I love my children" clearly illustrates that I am not yet guilt free about 1.

And the fact is that I do love my kids. Both of them. Dearly.

And the fact is that it is better for both of them that I work. I am not a stay at home mom sort.

My husband got a promotion and a raise. It made me think "Maybe I could stay home now" but you know, I could have stayed home before. If I had really wanted to. I didn't then, I don't now.

Because that's not the relationship I want with my family. And while I do miss some extra special moments with my kids I also make some extra special moments with my kids whenever I do have the time to spend with them. And that time is special. Extra special even.

And I would never say that my choice is the best option for all women everywhere. And I have always believed that the only real mommy war was the one we seem to fight with ourselves. Every family is different. Every child is different. Every woman is different.

And sure, I sometimes wonder about what my kids are missing out on. I wonder what sort of charmed childhood I am depriving them of.

I wonder how moms who stay home to raise their kids look at me.

And I wonder how long it would have taken me to require medication if I had chosen to stay home myself.

Again. Loving my life, my accomplishments and my choices.

But always questioning.

I am a true Agnostic. Apparently, in every aspect of my life.

Questions are good. And finding out that I am comfortable with the answer already - even better.

Here's hoping you are enjoying brief moments of contentment in your life.

If you would like to share your thoughts about why your family has chosen the life path you are currently on, I would love to hear them.

Ooh and big thanks to memegrl for finding a non denominational malaria campaign. Apparently I was not looking hard enough. Check it out Malaria No More. And try to look past the American Idol spin...;)

Cleansing Pain

First let me say that I got the bill for my "emergency surgery". drum roll please..... The total? This little event of gynecological wonder cost my insurance company over $42,000.00. My love and I will shoulder a not insignificant part of that burden ourselves.

$42,0000.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To NOT have a baby.


Wow.

So I thought about that this weekend when I went to pick up my Rx for birth control and was told that it was $51. $51!?!?! With insurance??

But then I thought about the alternatives to birth control (birth and ectopic pregnancy) I have explored and they are both a whole lot more money.

And the up side is I will probably have a pretty good deduction on taxes for 2008.

Anyway.

This post is about my tattoo. And about the fact that I laughed out loud this weekend. For the first time in - well I can't remember when.

I was relieved when the weeping stopped. Very relieved. But I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the laughing has started again...

I will be getting the color on my tattoo next weekend.

I may wait until then to post a picture but I will tell you that it is bigger than you expect it to be and prettier than I expected it to be...

Oh and it hurt.

More to follow.

Practically Perfect

So I got a legitimate chance to use this photo of the boy this time.

This post IS about him.

He had his evaluation by the state last night. (for those of you following along at home this is just THREE weeks from his original diagnosis of oral motor dysfunction by his pediatrician. Not bad for a state run agency.)

Three very nice ladies piled onto the floor of my family room and played and talked to him for about an hour. They also watched him eat a snack and drink from a big boy cup. He was in heaven in the center of attention and enjoyed every moment of his new found fame. He was also incredibly good when play time was deemed over and he was asked to go upstairs with his dad for a bath.

Here's the good news. He is bright, social and fun. He seems to understand and assimilate more information and concepts than is normal for a boy his age. They legitimately enjoyed playing with him and thought his summer Mohawk was adorable.

He scored at age or above age in 3 of the 4 major categories for evaluation. But his doctor was right. He does have oral motor dysfunction.

He flunked expressive speech. He scored above his age by two months in comprehensive language which they said is even more problematic because a kid that so clearly understands all that he understands is going to be even more frustrated by his inability to communicate.

So. He will have a speech therapist once a week for an hour. Here's hoping this helps the little boy begin to use his mouth to form words we can all understand. He is brilliant, I am sure he has wonderful things to say. I can't wait to hear them.

In other news he was also diagnosed with poor or lacking muscle tone which means that his muscles and joints are very loose. This is what is causing the majority of his problem and effects his entire body. The things they noticed about him to determine this were fascinating and made me wonder why I hadn't noticed any of that before.

The short answer is, again, he's very bright. He has consciously and unconsciously established "work arounds". He is already learning to work with the body he has and compensate for his lack of muscle tone. This is the body formula he will have always. He is not going to work out and suddenly have better muscle tone. This is his biological make up. But it only means that he will have to work a little harder to make his body work the way it should and should only have a large effect on his early development.

Fascinating stuff.

Happy Mother's Day to me...

This is my boy. He has very little (okay nothing) to do with this post but I LOVE THIS PICTURE~

So I thought I would share it.



I had the absolutely most fabulous day with my daughter on Saturday.
I woke up yesterday feeling silly.

giddy I love life silly.

And my love took D to a picnic with his card geeks so it was just me and my girl.
She was feeling silly too. Ya know how when they wake up you can tell that it's going to be a bad morning? Well she was just as happy as I was. And for the very first time that I can remember our two very fabulous moods coincided.

She had a birthday party at noon at a Stables (how cool is that? A PONY party! I am totally stealing this idea). So at 10 am I decided we'd head toward Borders and get a present, get a snack and then meander toward the party.

As I asked Maya for the third time to please get up into her car seat so I could put her straps on I realized that there was absolutely no reason for me to be so up tight. We had plenty of time. So whatever that thing is that keeps me moving at warp speed all week? I switched it off.

Seriously.

I just decided that there was no reason to be in such a hurry. We had plenty of time and we might as well have fun.

So that is what we did.

We picked out a present, bought a book for D and then headed over to the cafe where I let her pick out a chocolate donut even though I knew she would be having cake in less than an hour.

While at Borders she asked me what a column was. (Because I had told her the trash was right next to it.) So I stood up and walked over to the column and said.
"this is a column. And there is the trash can."

And the simple act made me very aware of the fact that I rarely have time to fully answer her questions. Any other day I simply would have pointed to it. But this day I stood up and explained that columns usually hold something up and that there are a lot of them in Greece.

She was so pleased with this silly giddy mommy that she forgot that lately she has been giving mom a hard time.

Instead she held my hand as we ran through Rose Tree Park, and played with me while we made up definitions for the pretend words she kept using while we tried to make rhyming words.

And then we went to a pony party. And I taught her to always walk around the front of a horse and I told her what each kind of horse was that she saw. And while she may have no idea what the difference is between an Apaloosa and a Paint they are now words in her lexicon. And she had fun listening to me talk about horses because I had fun talking about them.

And I made a new friend in the mother of one of her classmates. Again, I was just feeling GOOD and so it was easy to talk to her.

And so I had a great afternoon and that lead up to my evening in the city with my husband while I tried to get my tattoo. And that is another story.

Impressionistic Art

I know I said I wouldn't talk about this anymore (and I have been good to my word - right?)

But I found the flower that I want as a tattoo. It is a desert orchid. Rare and beautiful.


I will be getting two of these beauties and one bud tattooed on my right shoulder THIS SATURDAY!

I have to say that I am very nervous. I hate pain. But at the same time, I am relieved. I feel like this will be a cleansing and a closing of this book.

I am honoring my babies. Both of my flowering beauties and the one that never got the chance.

I'll be sure to post pics.

Excuse me, hands off my cervix

I was reading this story about gynecologists.

It made me think of the one time I went to the gynecologist (his name has been changed to protect his privacy) and he said, and I quote:

Dr. Strange: "You have a perfect cervix"
me: "um."
Dr. Strange: "no really, it;s like text book perfect."
me: "um. thanks?"
Dr. Strange: "Nurse Nunya business, come in here and look at this! She has a perfect uterus"
Nurse Nunya: "um"
me: closing my legs and looking terribly uncomfortable. "um, I have to go."

And I never returned again.

Have you ever had a weird gyno story? I seem to have a few.

No, I didn't really mean it

I feel as though I need to clarify my post of yesterday.

I did not really ever think that I would ACTUALLY leave my daughter on the side of the road.

The very thought of this stops my heart.

I was just exaggerating. Much like when one says they are starving when what they mean is that they are very hungry. They are not actually starving.

And I would never actually consider leaving my daughter anywhere, much less on the side of a road.

I add this point of clarification because my husband was decidedly disturbed by my post and I think he was trying to figure out ways to never leave me alone with our daughter in the car.

I assure you (and him), she's safe with me.

She may be annoying and manipulative at times, but she's mine.

Will I be punished?

I am afraid I thought about leaving my daughter on the side of the road this morning.
I was going to go back for her.

Eventually.


Does that count?

She was screaming. SCREAMING. For 10 minutes straight.

All
because
she
didn't
want
to
sit
in
her
brother's
seat.

It's her fault that they even switch seats now. She started this terrible terrible idea by climbing in to his seat weeks ago and strapping herself in. (With a wicked grin on her face, I might add.) So now, if he is listening better and gets into the car first, he usually steals her seat. Too bad.

Of course she was not at all interested in the logic of my explanation.

This on top of the events on the way home last night (pulling over so she can pee in the grass) made me think that the girl needs a little bit of a wake up call.

So. Needless to say (I hope) I did not leave her on the side of the road. But I also sure as hell didn't stop and let her switch seats.

I also had a talk with my love last night about how he spoils her. He has been "helping" her with her dinner by spoon feeding her when she gets too tired or bored to feed herself.

He doesn't do this for our 2 year old (who actually needs help). And, (he agreed) it needs to stop.

Anyway. She made it safely to school.

And I am mostly calmed down.

mostly.

But if you live near me you may want to keep an eye out for an adorable four year old on route one this evening during rush hour.