Thursday, March 29, 2007

Our Mother - Full of grace

My mother is in the hospital with pneumonia.

They thought she had some highly contagious disease. They called in the infectious disease crew and my father had to wear a mask near her.

She was just here. She watched my kids on Saturday for my birthday date night out in Philly (wonderful! but sadly, for another post). She was sick when she got here and gradually got so bad that she disapeared into her room and stayed sleeping for almost 48 hours. Then she got on a plane, flew home and the next day was in the hospital.

On a scale (preferrably sliding) how horrible a daughter am I that I had very little concern for my mom and was in an absolute panic over my babies?

I take a great deal of solace in the fact that they were her major concern too.

I love my mom.

I once told her that the sound of her voice on the other end of the line was like a pressure release valve. This is still true.

She is my second best friend in the world (having slid down only after I fell in love with the right man).

And she lies in a hospital bed on oxygen, an IV and antibiotics.

And she is worrying about my babies.

What a gift.

I know she will be fine. I know she will recover.

But :

She is getting older.

She is beginning to seem mortal.


Go go Mozilla

So I discovered the problem. Downloaded Mozilla's Firefox and I am now back in my blog from work.

The last post I sent was actually from home but work access will definitely mean more posts. Yipee.

I feel so liberated and connected.

I also used the fun little touch screen at Wawa to order a hoagie for the first time this week and, even though the 16 year old behind the counter clearly thought I was a cute old lady for having no idea what I was doing, I have to say: technology is so cool!

Change your browser, change the world.

When does Heroes come back on anyway?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

No God but me

So I am having a balancing problem again.

I suffer from this from time to time and I can't quite work through it enough to move past it. Maybe it's a constantly moving object and I will never really solve the problem just rearrange the load until it works and then begins to tilt again eventually.


Me time, kid time, husband time, house time, friend time.


I have come to a realization: I am a bit controlling.

I have a hard time letting my husband do a job that I do, differently. Note that I am not saying that he will not do it as well as I do. But, he will do it differently. I have been unwilling to allow for this.

So I moan that the distribution of work is unfair. And I get tired and cranky and overwhelmed. He is happy to help. He is happy to do anything that I want him to. Sometimes it bothers me that this is the way it works. That he is waiting for guidance. But then I realize that I am in control. This is a control that I have chosen to assume and I cannot complain when it works against me occassionally.

We talked about this tonight. I made a point to stress that I am coming to terms with my own short comings and I would like some more help from him. I tried hard to be sure that he understood that this was my problem and I was in no way pointing a finger at him but admittedly even though he tried to understand it he said he still felt like I was calling him a dead beat.

He also said that anything I currently do will require a "transition period". That I cannot expect that he will all of the sudden know the ages at which the kids need check ups, what bills post to the account on what days, etc. I understand this too. And annoys me.

I learned this stuff. I wasn't born with the knowledge of health check ups, tax dates and bill payment.

Such a dilemma. I do not like the lunches he packs for the kids. BUT THEY ARE JUST LUNCHES!!!!! The kids will eat and be healthy and all will be fine in the world. If I want to share the responsibility I have to admit to the fact that he will do things differently. And I think as all good racists will tell you different=bad. I will not be a lunch racist.

I need to practice love and tolerance. I need to delegate and realize that the end result - happy kids, paid bills, Drs. Appts made and kept, meals that I would not have made myself but still satisfy the hunger. Are all the signs of love and balance.


Breath deeply.

And choose. What do I know I can most easily stay out of? Because I know it is not fair to pass something on to him and then micromanage the task. Not fair to either of us and defeating the point.



I hate bills.

I will create a calendar or when payments post. I will include when pay checks are due to deposit. And I will answer each question with the happy knowledge that the more he knows, the sooner I will no longer have to worry about the bills.

I married this man because he is my best friend and my life partner.

In Him I trust.

So he will make lunches every other day and help with bills.

I can already feel the scales shifting.


Thursday, March 22, 2007

Naked before God

First off.

I have been locked out of my blog from work. I know it is something I have done since I set the IT rules and I haven't set that one. BUT that is why I haven't written in so long.

And look at what has happened in my absence. I have been "discovered". No longer a journal, I now have an audience. hmmmm.

More later.

Now that I have confirmed that I can get in here from home, I have to go.