Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Abortion Conflict

I am terribly conflicted about abortion. It troubles me that it is such a divisive issue and that there seems to be so little common ground on which both sides can stand.

And everyone is always angry when they talk about abortion.

Let me start by saying that I have driven two girlfriend's to get abortions. I have waited in the waiting room and held their hands as they cramped and cried. And I have watched as they returned to their normal college existence and moved on.

I myself, have never had an abortion. Nor would I choose to.

There are is one thing I am sure of about abortion:
Women will get abortions, regardless of the law.

I would never get an abortion but I will fight for the right for someone else to have the right. That might seem contrary but the truth is I am not conflicted.

And yes I can say that. I know many anti-abortion activists will tell me that I am a hypocrite but I don't see it that way. There are many very important things that I do or don't do that I would never assume to make someone else comply with.

And I don't think that the anti-abortion activists are all wrong. I do think that killing doctors and bombing abortion clinics is wrong. But I feel that thinking of all anti-abortionist like that is kind of like what most of America does with the Muslim faith. They view the entire faith based on a few extremists. I try not to do that.

I try to listen to the arguments and try to find some common ground.

Abortions are nasty things. Horrible things. And I do believe that there are very few people who are "pro-abortion". Again, don't judge a group by it's radicals.

So believing this I have to do what Barak Obama is doing. I have to look for the common ground. I have to try and see what we can agree on.

So, what can we do to stop the number of abortions in this country?

I think we have proven that abstinence only programs just don't work. If you disagree with that statement then this is where we will officially diverge.

But if abstinence only programs don't work, what will? How can we make sure that unwanted babies are never conceived? How can we make sure that all babies born have good homes to go to?

There are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care right now. How many of these children are being adopted into loving homes by pro-life zealots? I think that is the truest way to practice what you preach (and this is one of the reasons I respect McCain.)

I don't know the stats but I do know that there are thousands of couples waiting for babies right now that talk about abortion as though it is preventing them the family they so desperately want. When in truth there are thousands of babies available to love, they are just the wrong color. You can't be pro-life, but only worry about white life.

In order to make any progress here, we have to zoom in on the things that we can agree on and work outward from there. Flippant remarks, name-calling and sarcastic banter is not the way to have a discussion. Not the way to make a point or more importantly, to make progress.

Commit to being part of the solution to the abortion conflict. No matter what side you are coming from, we can come together on this.

We are going to have to if we want to make any change.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

In real life I am a princess...

Last week was national adoption week.
I missed it.
Never even knew it existed. And still I feel the need to address it. Honor it.

Being adopted was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

If I had not been adopted I would not be who I am or where I am.

So therefore, it is the best thing that happened to me. It was the first step toward getting me where I am and where I am is pretty damn good.

Having said that I will also say that being adopted is sometimes hard.

Some of the difficulties are trivial:
my brother is model good looking and I often wished as a teen that I could have enjoyed some of those genetic good looks

To the not so trivial:
Most people thought my father was my stepfather and wondered how I could be so fair growing up with "black" parents. I suffered from racism from all sides.

And even with all that. I never thought to look for my birth parents. Never felt a need or a loss or anything challenging like that.

I have always known I was adopted. I don't remember a time that I didn't know. It is a part of who I am but it is such a small part. Such a tiny insignificant part.

But I had some "adoption trauma" moments.

When I was a preteen I became convinced that my aunt Sheila was my mother and that she had given to me my mom to raise. Some old family story about how she watched me when I was a baby convinced me that I was her love child.

I was terrified that she would want me back. I stopped hugging her and wanted no part of her for most of a year. Then my hormones calmed a little and I forgot all about it.

Then as a teen my dad and I had some pretty tough times and I started to imagine what my birth father would be like. In my imagination he was a king, a rich, nice, sweet king and he would bestow a bunch of money on me and leave me independently wealthy.

I never dreamed that he would be my dad, just my bank.

And that's as close as I ever came to any real issues with my adoption.

Then I read an article in Brain, Child (awesome mag btw) written by a birth mom about how much she misses her child and how she still thinks of herself as her daughter's mother...etc. And as a mom I started to think about this wonderful woman. This woman who had given me into a life I adore.

And I wondered if she worried about me.

And I wondered if she felt an empty part of her because I was and unknown. A lost child.

So I called my dad and told him I was thinking about finding my bio mom. And he said "It's about time, I don't know how you waited this long" and went about finding whatever records he could behind my mom's back because we both believed that even now, she wouldn't take to the idea.

Turns out we underestimated her. I told my mom. And she said, "I can understand that, she has grandchildren now."

And I said, "no, you have grandchildren. She has no claim on them. None whatsoever." and that was all it took for my mom. Apparently one level of removal was enough for her.

She would not have been nearly as understanding if I had made this decision at 18 but now, she's okay with it.

So. Using the information I had gathered from the little bit my parent's knew, I called the adoption agency that handled my placement and left a message for the woman the receptionist guided me to after explained what I wanted.

I waited.

Two weeks later, I called again and left another message.

And I waited again.

Then I poked around on the internet and registered at some sites that help children find missing bioparents.

And I was done.

And I sit here wondering if I will ever go further...and doubting it.

I am my mother's daughter.

That's enough.

It has always been enough.

So to the mystery woman who gave birth to me, named me Jennifer, cared for me, and then handed me over to the NJ adoption agency at the age of 6 weeks I say a heartfelt thank you.

And to everyone who is looking to adopt I say good luck. Like I said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Happy belated National Adoption week.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It was seven years ago today...

That I married my love.
Much like many Americans we are really feeling the pinch of the economic crisis so there will be no lavish gift or exciting date night this year.

But we will be together.

And we have decided to renew our contract for another year.

I love him in a way that I never thought was possible to love another person and I love him more today than I did when I married him 7 years ago. I never thought that would be possible either.

So it really is a happy anniversary.

I am on my way out of town and will be unable to blog while gone. So I want to acknowledge the little soul that would have probably already joined our family but was officially due on October 18th.

My heart hurts whenever I think about the fact that we will never meet.

And I miss you.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

If you choose not to decide...

So when I was growing up my brother used to be in LOVE with Rush. He still is as far as I know.

I hated them.



hated them.

I can't think when there is music on. Even to this day if I am doing anything requiring any thought the only music I can tolerate is instrumental only.

So I spent most of my youth trying to think AROUND some very loud music. He was into very loud music. (Rush was actually one of the more mellow bands he listened to.)

So I hated the music.

And so I hated Rush.

Now that I am older I can control the when and the volume - I like Rush.

They are skilled musicians and their lyrics are sublime.


And so I asked my brother for some cd's and he burned them for me and I occasionally sit around and listen to Geddy Lee and the gang.

That's all. Sometimes I listen.

And today I was wondering what else I missed out on because it was presented poorly and how I can avoid that mistake for my kids.

And then I realized that I have no chance.

The way my brother listened to Rush as a teen has helped to shape who he is and what he values.

It made me not like Rush.

No real harm done. And it helped Michael a great deal.


Always balancing.

Anyway I thought about Rush today because there are still a great number of people out there who have not yet decided who they will vote for in less than a month!

And I am hopeful that they will either support Obama or stay home.

But as Rush says:
You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose freewill

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I am fairly good at a lot of things.

I can play a decent game of tennis, dance to the rhythm and carry a tune.

I play the drums, when I am near them.

As a child I tried piano, tap, ballet, gymnastics, softball, field hockey, soccer and played the flute in band.

My parents exposed me to a lot.

And I was never very passionate about anything.

Not really.

My brother has music in his veins. My sister-in-law has Yoga in her soul. My husband will be a Ford Mustang in his next life.

I am not sure what I am passionate about.

Not like that, not in a hobby kind of a way.

I've never encountered anything I wanted to do that I couldn't do reasonably well, so I've never really been challenged.

And of the things I did, I never really felt the desire to be any better than mediocre...

Except writing.

I love to make up stories.

And I love to read what I have written to someone so they will enjoy the world or person I have created for a few moments.

But this is a passion I have no room for at the moment.

It is a passion that I cannot support.

So I am looking for a little passion.

Something small that will not consume me but will still help me with something to look forward to.

Can you help me out?

What's your passion?

Friday, October 03, 2008

Good News!

While not the train wreck I predicted I can still name two people who swung into the Obama camp last night because of Joe Biden. And one of them voted for Bush in both elections!!


Overall I thought the candidates did what they were supposed to. I did think that it was unfortunate that Palin never once had to answer a question with thought instead of a scripted and rehearsed response but she handled herself well...

But I was tickled by this and thought I would share.

Oh and I think Biden did a great job of following his orders which was to not look like he was picking on the poor hockey mom from Alaska while still calling her on some very key points.

Overall it was tragic only in its pure lack of tragedy.

Thursday, October 02, 2008


This site amused me. So here is the link.

I hope this evening's debate proves to be just as fun as I anticipate it will be.

I am almost heady in my girlish excitement.

There is most likely going to be a train wreck tonight...

And here's the thing that stops the giggle.

I truly feel that I would make a better choice for VP than this woman.

And I am truly saddened that she will be our benchmark going forward...

And I don't have anything against her personally. But she is a piss poor choice for vice president. piss poor.

And she should have known better. And I know that there are all those people that say that if someone offers you the vp spot you don't say no - but she should know how to say no. She believes in abstinence only for God's sake.

And I am trying really hard not to turn this into a joke because I feel like McCain already did that and I find it so so sad that there are so many people who don't get the joke.

Lots of women are out there right now feeling pretty good about our sex because of where she is.

I don't. But I do feel like she is the best example of sexual equality we've seen in a long while. Except. Well. Can you be an example of sexual equality if you were selected because of your sex???

Is there such a thing as reverse sexism?


there isn't.

And I had a great deal of respect for McCain going into this. I did.

And he lost it all with his VP choice.

I cannot contemplate a world in which there is a president Sarah Palin.

I will not.

Please vote people.