I am just a little sore.
I have three holes in my gut and have finally stopped screaming inside my head.
I am starting to heal.
My body realized there was no longer a baby in there some time on Tuesday and so I miscarried whatever was left of anything baby. (moan) But it was good because I was getting worried I might have to have a D&C on top of all the rest.
I have been on a roller coaster.
Part of me has been lost.
So Tim and I are talking about the next. Not necessarily the next baby but just what's next.
We were on the fence about a number three and strangely I think that this has pushed us over the edge. Somehow it feels like this means there is meant to be a number 3.
I vacillate between trying to have a non-tubal pregnancy and adopting. A big part of me does not want my biological baby book to end on such a rotten chapter.
Another big part worries that I will have another tubal pregnancy and then no more tubes. And somehow the idea of being "barren" even if I never intend to have another is absolutely horrifying! And then I vow not to let the fear rule me and start all over again.
So. I am somehow still able to be nothing but happy for my (4) friends who have either just given birth or will soon. Babies are wonderful. Welcome Siri and Jaela to the world - you are lucky to have such amazing guides on your journey.
My nephew is due any day now. I am so excited to meet him!
And I bleed in my heart for the little soul I carried for a very brief moment. Not even a child, just a collection of cells.
A tiny little mass of potential...
So I have decided that I am going to get a tattoo. I have always wanted one but never wanted to deal with the pain. I had actually talked to Tim about having one done post mortem so it would visible at my wake (I know morbid, but true).
After this experience, the pain doesn't worry me much.
So the next question is - what should I get?