Friday, March 14, 2008

Let the healing begin...

I am just a little sore.

I have three holes in my gut and have finally stopped screaming inside my head.

I am starting to heal.

My body realized there was no longer a baby in there some time on Tuesday and so I miscarried whatever was left of anything baby. (moan) But it was good because I was getting worried I might have to have a D&C on top of all the rest.

I have been on a roller coaster.
Part of me has been lost.

So Tim and I are talking about the next. Not necessarily the next baby but just what's next.

We were on the fence about a number three and strangely I think that this has pushed us over the edge. Somehow it feels like this means there is meant to be a number 3.

I vacillate between trying to have a non-tubal pregnancy and adopting. A big part of me does not want my biological baby book to end on such a rotten chapter.

Another big part worries that I will have another tubal pregnancy and then no more tubes. And somehow the idea of being "barren" even if I never intend to have another is absolutely horrifying! And then I vow not to let the fear rule me and start all over again.

So. I am somehow still able to be nothing but happy for my (4) friends who have either just given birth or will soon. Babies are wonderful. Welcome Siri and Jaela to the world - you are lucky to have such amazing guides on your journey.

My nephew is due any day now. I am so excited to meet him!

And I bleed in my heart for the little soul I carried for a very brief moment. Not even a child, just a collection of cells.

A tiny little mass of potential...

So I have decided that I am going to get a tattoo. I have always wanted one but never wanted to deal with the pain. I had actually talked to Tim about having one done post mortem so it would visible at my wake (I know morbid, but true).

After this experience, the pain doesn't worry me much.

So the next question is - what should I get?


Motherhood101aplus said...

Hi. I think I agree that it is easier not to leave on that note. Trying again is easy. It's the pregnancy that is emotionally hard.
Good luck with your decisions.

Anjali said...

Oh, sweetie, it's never just a mass of cells. It's a child of your heart as soon as you desire it.

My heart goes out to you.

And I wish you the speediest of recoveries!

Mary said...

Best wishes on your healing journey- a path that can only be yours. Youv'e got quite a bit of company on similiar paths though so don't be afraid to reach out if that's what's helpful. I like the idea of a tattoo as part of the journey- I mean that this experience is now a part of who you are but a silent part that no one else would know unless you tell them. I would have no idea what kind of tattoo though- whatever speaks to you. Now you have me thinking about tattoos and I have NEVER seriously thought of a tattoo for me- who knows what the future will bring :). Again wishing you the very best during this difficult time. Mary H

O said...

Not to be a downer on the tattoo--I know they can be great. But be careful the ink that they use. Some are metallic enough that you can't get an MRI with them so don't trade one pain for another. (I know, normal people don't arrange their lives around whether they might someday need an MRI but that's just me.)
And not that my sample size is huge but of my friends who have lost a tubal pregnancy, two went on to get pregnant regularwise no problem. (Two did not but at least one of those had absolutely nothing to do with biology and everything to do with the marriage.)