Friday, December 29, 2006

God made lightning

So I went to this party last night with the whole family.

The party was fun. Miss M had a great time running around and playing near other kids. Most of the kids were older. D-man and my hub stayed upstairs and watched the game.

There was a young boy there who I would say was about 8ish. I have a hard time with that age range but that will be my guess.

He arrived late and brought with him a mom, dad and sister. All very nice.

About 15 minutes after he got there I was walking down the hall and happened to watch as he snatched a Lightning McQueen doll from my daughter. She started to cry.

Now when kids are evenly matched I try not to step in but he clearly out weighed, aged, everythinged her. So I said "now she was playing with that and you can't just snatch things away from other people, we are all sharing here."
His response was that they needed that.

I chuckled and told him that I couldn't think of anything that they would need the car for.

Maya turned away, toy in hand and declared she needed to go potty. I handed the toy to the boy as we headed for the bathroom and he tossed it on the floor, his need gone.

Later on that night I was looking for Miss M as we were getting ready to go. Again I happened to witness this same boy slam the door in my daughter's face and tell her that she couldn't play with them. He actually shooed all the other kids into the room and then told them all "everyone except her". Now I can't tell you what he might have against my daughter, but I was almost as hurt as she was.

I knocked on the door and told him he could not talk like that to her and that if didn't want her playing with him he would have to ask her nicely.

"Please don't play with us"

I turn to M. "It's okay honey we have to go home now anyway."


I hustled my screaming three year old toward the stairs and tried to gather all of our stuff as quickly as I could. As we strapped her in the car she told her father how the boy told her " no not you, you can't play." As we snuggled on the couch watching TV she told me about the boy and how he had very bad manners. As we settled her down for the night she once again told me about the boy.

I have to tell you honestly, I don't like that boy.

I told Maya that mommy had stepped in and told him that he can't talk to people like that, next time she told the story, she added in my part.

I then told her that if someone is mean to her again like that she should say "you can't talk to me like that, that's bad manners."

Next time she told the story, she herself told the boy about his bad manners.

I know that she and I will face many more moments of hurt feelings and I am glad that she is the one getting her feelings hurt than the one hurting (at least for now). It's a tough one, I want her to be strong enough to defend herself but I don't want to see her hurt. Ah the delicate balance that is a part of everything.

May it be yours in the New Year.

Don't forget your please and thank yous.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

The holy trinity

I find it amusing and oddly reassuring that one who is so very ungodly would be so tied to what seems to be a very religious post. Today I am going to talk about those things that I hold dear.
My loves, my life, etc.

On the note of my life, I have only one word - hectic.

I am not sure why but 2006 seems determined to end on a bad note. A very loud painful to the ears bad note. Here is what's happening in my holy trinity.

1. Family (pictured here). On Christmas Day my father decided to drop the bomb that my brother and his wife have chosen some very good friends to be the guardian's of my niece should anything ever happen to them. Not me and my husband. I am still reeling from that and won't even go into the depth of the issue.

2. Work. At work we had critical equipment fail, critical vendors fail and an employee or two that are failing as we speak. (even though I am blogging from work I do not count myself among their numbers... odd)

3. Health. My dear boy is having a hard time of it as he still battles a raging ear infection he has had since late October. I have an appointment to meet with a doctor about his tubes next week. On a personal note, my tonsils are so swollen that they are now pressing on my inner ear drum and causing ear infection like pain. My doctor says I should plan on having them removed this year.

And there you have it - my holy trinity. I am just trying to keep it together and hoping that the one in Time's Square is the only ball to drop in my life any time soon.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

One Nation Under God


Okay let me repeat that! YIPEE!

I am so hopeful today. I kissed my daughter yesterday as I left to cast my vote and when she asked me where I was going I told her the truth.
"mommy is going to change the world so that you and your brother have a better future."

I am in Pennsylvania. I am in the land of Santorum. I cannot express my relief that he is no longer representing my vote in Washington. If nothing else had changed with the dawn of this new day, I would have been happy with just that.

But there is more change. And there is hope again for the american people, in the american people.

We have voiced an opinion of dissent. Perhaps we will now be heard.

Maybe not.

But I am hopeful we will keep talking.

our father

I have made some life decisions recently that I hope will make a great difference in the way I traverse and view the world. I am trying to release spite. I am trying to embrace my faults and celebrate the fact that they are a large part of who I am and who I am is worth embracing.

I am trying to stop painful cycles that hurt only me. I am trying to see and accept that people can only love me as much as they are capable of and if I want more than they can give then I will be hurt but they will still love me, just as they always did. I am accepting the limitations of others and realizing that all the love I get is good love.

So what does this have to do with my father? Nothing really.

I could expand on the fact that he made me who I am in no small part. And this is a good thing and a bad thing. But mostly I will just say that I love him for who he is and how he treats the people in his life. He is a good man. A man who will always want to be in the center of the spotlight and has a tendency to pout. He is a man, flawed like all men.

My brother is the second father in my life. He too demands the spotlight, he is just not quite as aware of this as a personality trait and so he can actually be a little more of a challenge. He is not as old as my father and so his self awareness may come. He may also have a shift in his personality as time goes by. He has limits and he is the reason that I turn my gaze inward. I love him as I love and he loves me as he loves and that is enough. It has to be. Because that is all there is and I have to stop being hurt by his best efforts.

My husband is my main man. The keeper of my key and the father of my children. He is rash and moody and sweet and loving. He is a good man. He is involved and engaging and he can be selfish and selfless and annoying and endearing all at the same time. He is flawed. Our children do not yet understand their luck.

So as I look around at the fathers in my life I realize that the only thing that I can change in our relationships for the most part is me. I cannot continue to feel unloved by these men that love me with all that they have to give. I need to be satisfied with the love I get.

Don't get me wrong. I am not talking about spousal abuse or giving up an expectation of respect and understanding. And my relationship with my husband is stellar. He understands what I need because he needs the same things. We are well matched and complement each other in almost all things.

This is a declaration of independence for myself. These fathers are now free to love me as they will and I am free to enjoy that love without expectation and disapointment. Nothing will change for them, and I will be happier.

win win.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I had a horrible horrible day yesterday. The kind of day that ended with me curled up in my bed weeping. The kind of crying that comes up from your soul. I call this Soul Sadness and it used to be a more frequent visitor to my life.

Now it strikes at strange times without warning and lays me flat, or curled in a ball, as the case may be.

So yesterday a group of events coincided to knock me on my ass.

An aquaintance, who I adore, found out the sex of the babe she lost at 12 weeks and posted a blog that shredded my heart. In the same blog she announced her intention to move away and I am sad for the lost potential of our friendship.

My boss and friend came in to tell me that the thyroid she had removed due to "nodules" turns out to have been cancerous and she will need follow up radiation treatments.

Her 13 year old son, who is suffering from anxiety related issues, came into our office drenched to the bone from riding his bike in the rain simply to throw himself into his mothers lap and cry, knees on ground, head in lap, sobbing. He doesn't even know about the cancer, he was reacting to a presentation he has to give at school. He is troubled and has sent his universe spinning.

I had a phone conference scheduled to speak to someone from the national mother's group I am now co-leader of and I got a message from her that she had to put her 17 year old cat down last night and she couldn't talk to me. She was crying on the phone. I have never heard her voice before but she made me tear up regardless.

I am reading Little Earthquakes. One of the babes in the book dies at 11 weeks from SIDS. I held my son close last night and just enjoyed snuggling him. I turned the monitor up enough that I could hear him breath.

It is amazing to me how bothered I am by things that don't truly effect me.

This is one of those things that makes me hopeful for us as a species. Empathy. An amazing thing.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Good God

I see my children in everything I do and see. They are the reason I sniffle over halmark commercials, get absorbed in Dragon Tales and they are the reason I cannot watch the news.

My children are my tears when I read about the little girls in the little one room school room who were not protected by God but now rest in his hands.

What are we doing to our innocents? These separated few. These passive, quiet, peaceful few. Our innocence rests in them to a certain degree. They are a promise kept. A vision of ourselves that reflects clear and true.

How then do we bring such blood shed to them. How does someone plan a group molestation and murder undetected? How are we so unconnected from each other that this man was married and a member of society and still packed a bag full of lube, guns and rope and set off for an Amish school house on a rampage based on his past indiscretions, that turn out to be false anyway?

My heart bleeds for those little girls as they lay dying on the wood plank floor.

I see my baby there with her little pig tails and little attitude. She is afraid of Elmo costumes and men in uniform. She is innocent in a way only a two year old can be innocent.

And yet she bleeds.

Monday, June 26, 2006

My God

I have a little buddha for a God. His smile makes my world.

My children make me realize that there is a power out there. Call it what you will.

They are the smile and the laughter of my life.

They are the reson that I dance when the radio comes on. They are my comfort of a cuddle.

They are the tears I cry when I hear of other babes who have been injured, kidnapped, worse.

They are the reason for the sun and the moon and the sky.Their eyes reflect it all, take it all in and bring it all back out.

They are my empathy. They are our future.

For all the little Gods out there.

My hope is infinite.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Your God

I got inspired on my way home from work yesterday. I am forever frustrated by the lack of compassion and understanding that masks itself behind religion.

All the major religions share the same basic principles and beliefs:
Love each other
Take care of each other
Respect each other
God loves you

So I am not religious. Nor am I "god-fearing" but I say this with complete openeness and understanding.

If you believe in God, whatever name your God goes by...

Your God loves me too.

I think it bears repeating and I think we all need reminding.

Do you know what happens when both sides of a battle pray to God for protection and to help them win?

I view it like two children fighting over a toy with God as the parent.

Do parent's have favorites? Maybe. But good parents never show it and I believe that God is a good parent. So what do parents do when children compete with each other? They root for both sides. They cheer as loudly for the victor as they do for the loser. And they admonish anyone not playing fairly.

A parent loves all their children equally.

Your God loves me too.