Monday, April 30, 2007

Monster Leaps

My youngest took his first steps last week.

Triumphant wobbly steps toward a future of expectation. Such a proud and happy smile as we clapped and praised him. We were so excited!

Shortly thereafter, my 3 yr old daughter made sure that we watched as she took the same path and walked the same walk. She turned to us smiling and waiting to be praised. We were happy to oblige., both of us a little teary as we thought about the same day 2 years ago as she wobbled from my arms to her father's and back again.

She has sat by cheering on her little brother: "good job Dean" "Yay Dean!". She is his cheerleader. She also takes his hand and pulls him along, usually faster than he can travel yet. But she will also walk across the room in front of us and wait for her applause. Torn between her role as little girl and big sister.

When Maya was just learning to walk I used to grab her under the armpits and swing her up and then down on the floor as we moved toward the bathroom. This was a fun way to get her to the bathroom to wash her hands. It was a one way ticket, monster leaps were a to the bathroom only event.

Now that she has grown older we had stopped with the monster leaps request and somehow it is not something I picked up with Dean.

The other day, for reasons unknown to me she asked for Monster Leaps again. I was happy to oblige. And as I swung the 35 pound three year old toward the bath room I knew that the time for this game was short.

She is heavy
She is growing
and Monster Leaps is a one-way ticket

Let me introduce myself

I am feeling pretty good about my world , my love, my kids.
I am feeling empowered and rejuvenated.

It is amazing what a change of perspective can do for you.

We had an empowerment coach come to talk to us this past week. It is so interesting when you take the time to THINK about who you are, who you want people to know, etc. Self definition is a challenge.

So my New Year's resolution this year is to learn something new. I decided last week that the something I learn is going to be me.

My husband always wonders at my lack of fulfillment: great job, great kids, great husband, what could be missing? Well there's the question isn't it? I don't know the answer yet but I am working on it not tainting all that I am now and all that I have now.

Gratitude is another aspect of that. Taking the time to be grateful is hugely important. I am SO GRATEFUL!

My children are these amazing wonderful awe-inspiring people and they LOVE me! ME. I am mommy. The smile I get is only for me. The huge hugs and blown kisses. mine. I will give them everything I am and they will be who they are and for that I am forever, always, infinitely grateful.

My husband is the beautifully flawed man who knows me. He sees who I am and respects and loves me anyway. I have never been known before. It is a wonderful feeling. He is my best life coach.

My job has allowed me to build a life that I like living. I am great at what I do, my employees are happy and fulfilled. The office is a good place to be. All of this is because of me. I need to embrace my efforts, I tend to minimize my accomplishments, modesty.

I look forward to delving below the surface in the months and years to come.

We are ever growing, ever evolving.

Here is my "New Day" resolution: I will work on my personal mission statement. I will take the time to think about me.

Hello, It's great to meet me.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Filling the Void

I do believe that weight and overeating has something to do with unhappiness. It is kind of a catch 22 though. Unhappy so you eat and gain weight or unhappy because you are over weight?

I am exploring this cycle for my mother. She is over weight, she always has been. Even her little girl photos show a pudgy little cutie. She has grown more each year. She is well over 300lbs now.

And she is in the hospital for pneumonia.

It's a hard one. Because she cannot be active right now but I have to talk to her about getting off of her sizable ass and moving. And I can't be a hippocrite. I need to move more too. I need to manage my food intake and watch my belt line. I have not gained a pound or a size in over 5 years. An argument could be made that this is my weight. It wouldn't be a very good argument.

More later. I have to go have lunch...

Thursday, April 05, 2007

That Mom

I heard "that mom" at the store the other day.

You know the one. That voice that you flinch at as she scolds her child. That mom who seems overwhelmed, cranky and short tempered.

That mom made her three year old ride in the stroller because "apparently you just can't listen today."

That mom ignored her one year old as he whined for something to eat because she was in the line to check out and "you're just going to have to wait."

That mom snapped at the little girl when she kicked off her shoes with a smile and then whined when she couldn't walk around the store. "well now you know why I asked you to leave your shoes on." that mom said with malicious contempt.

That mom was so glad to get her kids back into the car and headed for home that she let out a huge sigh that her daughter heard and asked about.

"Are you a little tired mommy?" the little girl asked as she yanked off her socks and chucked them toward the floor, then whined that she couldn't reach them.

"yes" the mommy replied with another weary sigh.

I was "that mom".

I am "that mom".

I hate that mom.

Monday, April 02, 2007

In the name of the mother

My mom is doing better. We found out that if she had waited another 24 hours to go into the hospital she would most likely have died. The bacteria had spread to her blood stream. There she goes reminding me she is mortal again. My mom is one of the nicest people I know. The sun shines brighter on her somehow.

I met another very nice mom this weekend. She touched my arm while she spoke to me and made me feel comforted and supported even though what she was saying wasn't particularly comforting of supportive.

I want to me more like that. I am not very touchy by nature.

My father said that my lack of excitement and affection was frustrating for him when I was a child. It is that I am shy. He has never been able to accept this because he sees me as confident. Odd.

Many people have a hard time with this because I seem extroverted. I am not by nature.

My daughter is. When I buy her something special she says "oh sank you mommy! sank you! sank you! sank you!" This is her excited reaction whether it's a hair band or a doll.

Her father came home last night from a three day business trip. She was so excited to see him that she jumped from my lap and launched herself at him. Hugging him fiercely she declared loudly that "I like you home daddy". He wiped tears from his eyes he was so touched.

I was pretty touched too. That is a fearless love.

I hope she doesn't lose that. I hope that she doesn't learn my reserve. I want her to connect with others openly.

And so I snuggle her and give her kisses. And I force myself to act silly and take the time to show her that I can be that person.

I am that person.

I sang at the top of my lungs to a musical on my way to daycare. When I looked in the mirror, Dean was smiling and bopping along to the music. Maya was involved with some toy but as you know...they are always watching.

I hope that I will show them the fun that I know is a huge part of the world.

I want them to be unafraid to dance and sing and love and laugh.

I want them to face the opportunities that life brings them with open arms, knowing that pain is part of the process and makes the good times that much better.

I want them to connect. To love and be loved.

I want them to touch people.

P.S. For all that I am I just want to say,
"sank you mommy! sank you! sank you! sank you!"