slipping

I feel the balance shifting again.
You know that ever precarious balance between happiness and sadness. Comfort and...well, discomfort.
The weight is sliding toward me and I can feel the pressure.

It's showing itself in lots of ways.

1. I am crankier with my kids.

I hate it when I am cranky with my kids.

2. I am unhappy with my friendship circle.

The fact that I don't actually have one is what's making me sad. To be exact.

3. I am thinking about my work to life balance and it is troubling.

Does anyone ever say - "oh I appear to be having too much fun living my life - I
should probably get to work?" I mean other than politicians. Sometimes. maybe.
Okay, no one ever says that.

4. My house is driving me insane.

We have a lot to do and it is so hard sometimes to do what I am always telling my
husband to do and focus instead on all that we have done since we moved in. Golly
aren't I annoying? What am I a cheerleader?

5. The events of recent months are weighing on me.

For a while I felt like I was bothered by my ectopic pregnancy and subsequent loss
of baby and fallopian tube just because I thought I should be. Just because I
knew it should bother me. But it does. It legitimately bothers me.

And now that I am hormonally recovered - I annoy myself.

I have taken 2 pregnancy tests every month since this happened 3 months ago. I'm not sure if I am worried or hopeful.

This is a very painful game I am playing with myself.

Every time I get a gas pain I freak out that it is another ftube baby.

I sometimes think my body still thinks it is is 5 months pregnant.

I am tired.

All the time, tired.

And for today I am feeling a little like an escape is in order. But I get about 1/2 hour of every day to myself. That is when my husband puts the kids to bed and during that time I am making dinner.

Tough.

I am thinking I am in serious need of some me time.