Tuesday, July 01, 2008

slipping

I feel the balance shifting again.
You know that ever precarious balance between happiness and sadness. Comfort and...well, discomfort.
The weight is sliding toward me and I can feel the pressure.

It's showing itself in lots of ways.

1. I am crankier with my kids.

I hate it when I am cranky with my kids.

2. I am unhappy with my friendship circle.

The fact that I don't actually have one is what's making me sad. To be exact.

3. I am thinking about my work to life balance and it is troubling.

Does anyone ever say - "oh I appear to be having too much fun living my life - I
should probably get to work?" I mean other than politicians. Sometimes. maybe.
Okay, no one ever says that.

4. My house is driving me insane.

We have a lot to do and it is so hard sometimes to do what I am always telling my
husband to do and focus instead on all that we have done since we moved in. Golly
aren't I annoying? What am I a cheerleader?

5. The events of recent months are weighing on me.

For a while I felt like I was bothered by my ectopic pregnancy and subsequent loss
of baby and fallopian tube just because I thought I should be. Just because I
knew it should bother me. But it does. It legitimately bothers me.

And now that I am hormonally recovered - I annoy myself.

I have taken 2 pregnancy tests every month since this happened 3 months ago. I'm not sure if I am worried or hopeful.

This is a very painful game I am playing with myself.

Every time I get a gas pain I freak out that it is another ftube baby.

I sometimes think my body still thinks it is is 5 months pregnant.

I am tired.

All the time, tired.

And for today I am feeling a little like an escape is in order. But I get about 1/2 hour of every day to myself. That is when my husband puts the kids to bed and during that time I am making dinner.

Tough.

I am thinking I am in serious need of some me time.

9 comments:

O said...

Hang in there. (Now I'm the cheerleader.) We're having our own balance issues here. And people keep telling me, this gets easier as they get older--the time to actually invest in friendships (and it is an investment--like any investments, the early years grow but it's depressing in the beginning stages).
I'm thinking of you far more often than I'm calling. Cold comfort, I know, but there it is.

Aunt Becky said...

I think you need a weekend away. To absorb all that you've been through and focus on yourself. I'm thinking a hotel with a spa.

HEY! I'll JOIN you!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Me time is a really really good thing.

I'll be your friend... I could use some more since I am new to the area I live in.

R said...

Man, what a time for me not to have called you back today!!!

I'm not much of a phone chatter, but just shoot me an e-mail any time you want to get together. I really enjoy spending time with you (hey, we can be each other's friendship circle!).

KT said...

Rather than make dinner at that time, can you:
1) watch a tv show?
2) read a book?
3) lay on the couch and close your eyes?
4) go for a walk?
5) call a friend?
6) take a bath?

Me time is very important. once I get it I'm a better mom.

Hope to see a smile on your face soon.

only me said...

O - thanks for the call and the thoughts - much appreciated.

Becky - you name the place and I'm there.

Adorable girlfriend - as long as you are not too adorable we can be friends. I just don't want to be "the ugly one"

r- not a problem about the call, and we really should try to get together.

And KT -
Thanks for the suggestions. I have in fact designated bed time as "me time" and have been doing with it whatever I feel like. Then DH and I cook together when the kids are in bed. This means we eat even later than before but I am happier. And as my husband often says. "ain't nobody happy if mama ain't happy."

only me said...

O - thanks for the call and the thoughts - much appreciated.

Becky - you name the place and I'm there.

Adorable girlfriend - as long as you are not too adorable we can be friends. I just don't want to be "the ugly one"

r- not a problem about the call, and we really should try to get together.

And KT -
Thanks for the suggestions. I have in fact designated bed time as "me time" and have been doing with it whatever I feel like. Then DH and I cook together when the kids are in bed. This means we eat even later than before but I am happier. And as my husband often says. "ain't nobody happy if mama ain't happy."

Anjali said...

Although I'm physically no longer in your friendship circle, please know that I'm virtually linking my arms around yours.

The months I had to wait to try to get pregnant again, and the 3 months it took me to get pregnant again were absolute torture for me. Miscarriage grief ebbs and flows. Let it take it's course.

Motherhood101aplus said...

Thinking about you!