Monday, June 09, 2008

What I learned today...

1. I don't know how to read a pregnancy test
2. I am not pregnant
3. I wouldn't be upset if I was pregnant
4. I would definitely like to have a third child (today anyway)

5. My husband is not ready


6. He may never be

Hmmmm. That's a lot for one day.

I'm going to bed.

With my husband. After kissing my little ones good night.

It was a good day.

And next time, I will read the package - BEFORE I pee on the stick...

My love asked my why I am so sure that I want a third child now, after the miscarriage, when I was not so sure before we got pregnant.

I had to think about it and I think that miscarrying before you have an infant is very different than when you have other children. I am not saying one is harder than the other - I have no idea and I don't think in my heart that is true - just different.

I know what I lost. I know the love I feel for my children and for one day my heart stretched to accomodate that next little princess or practically perfect little boy. And now I have stretch marks and a little empty space that wasn't there before.

My life feels a little empty. Just a tiny spot of empty.

But infants are tiny.

And they are the entire world.


Motherhood101aplus said...

Boy. I have no idea what to say but I am thinking about you.
Take care.

Aunt Becky said...


I know this feeling well.

Anjali said...

You said it, sister.

R said...

I was quite confident that two kids were enough for us. Positive. So sure that when I had two instances that I thought I was pg while my boys were a year and then 13 months (just harmless dizzy spells) I made everyone who suggested it bite their tongue.

But I did start mulling the idea around in my head. As did DH. And when I was late two months later, we both started cautiously trying the idea out loud that we might be pg. And each time we said it, we smiled even more. When I finally peed on a stick and saw a definitive YES - I almost started choking on my mouthful of toothpaste, but I walked downstairds to tell DH with the biggest smile on my face. By that point I had no question in my mind about whether we wanted this or not.

My point is that sometimes people just need a little time to get used to the idea, especially after a rough time the last time (like a miscarriage or lots of complications).