Friday, July 27, 2007

Lost Loves

I have been wondering about loss of connection today.
Not sure why.

I have lived in many different places and I have had good friends, great friends even, that I no longer speak to.

And I find it increasingly difficult to make friends.

I am an all or nothing kind of gal. Once I've made that connection I intend that it should stay. I try hard to make sure that it does stay.
Not sure why this is so one sided.

I think I'm fun and interesting enough to stay friends with. I have been my own friend for quite some time now.

It makes me wonder about perceptions. How is it that I come across? And for that matter do I read others correctly?

It's very confusing.

My husband's friend told me that he thought I was a snob when he first met me. After we talked about it we decided that it was because I was shy.

I am shy.

Most people who know me don't believe that. But I am a wall flower until I am comfortable with you.

I am also needy.

I am a second child. I crave attention and affirmation.

Anyway, it took me a while to love me, I can wait for the rest of the world to catch up.

One person at a time.


Oonie said...

Ya know, talk to Rachel about this. She had a similar post a while back. And I had a similar conversation with my best-friend-since-2nd-grade about this when we were moaning that we live so far apart now. "You know," she reminded me, "you need time to build a good friendship, and that's what we had in spades when we were little and in college, and still plenty of when we were early in our careers, but now? Between jobs and motherhood, how in the world are you supposed to carve out that time to create the friendships?" Which was sad but comforting, if that makes any sense. And, I was reassured by another friend (cousin in law, really) that in your 50s, that time comes back to you, when kids have their own time with friends, and you can reclaim some of it too. "You're in the worst of it," she told me. "Hang in there."
That's what I tell myself when I am mourning my same sudden seeming inability to make friends. I have been, carefully, cultivating relationships all along. But this is just not quite the time for the blooms to come, but for the roots to deepen and the stalk to grow...too many mixed metaphors here but my two cents. Hang in there! Hope this helps comfort you as it did me.

Rachel said...

I absolutely know what you mean about this! There are so many people (like you!) who I feel like I've made a connection with but no big relationship comes of it, mainly because I just don't feel like I have enough time to develop one!

I don't know how to carve out more time to create friendships, but you're one of the ones at the top of my list, if you know what I mean.

Anjali said...

Search me. The older I get the more friends I need, yet the harder it is to fine them.