My mom is doing better. We found out that if she had waited another 24 hours to go into the hospital she would most likely have died. The bacteria had spread to her blood stream. There she goes reminding me she is mortal again. My mom is one of the nicest people I know. The sun shines brighter on her somehow.
I met another very nice mom this weekend. She touched my arm while she spoke to me and made me feel comforted and supported even though what she was saying wasn't particularly comforting of supportive.
I want to me more like that. I am not very touchy by nature.
My father said that my lack of excitement and affection was frustrating for him when I was a child. It is that I am shy. He has never been able to accept this because he sees me as confident. Odd.
Many people have a hard time with this because I seem extroverted. I am not by nature.
My daughter is. When I buy her something special she says "oh sank you mommy! sank you! sank you! sank you!" This is her excited reaction whether it's a hair band or a doll.
Her father came home last night from a three day business trip. She was so excited to see him that she jumped from my lap and launched herself at him. Hugging him fiercely she declared loudly that "I like you home daddy". He wiped tears from his eyes he was so touched.
I was pretty touched too. That is a fearless love.
I hope she doesn't lose that. I hope that she doesn't learn my reserve. I want her to connect with others openly.
And so I snuggle her and give her kisses. And I force myself to act silly and take the time to show her that I can be that person.
I am that person.
I sang at the top of my lungs to a musical on my way to daycare. When I looked in the mirror, Dean was smiling and bopping along to the music. Maya was involved with some toy but as you know...they are always watching.
I hope that I will show them the fun that I know is a huge part of the world.
I want them to be unafraid to dance and sing and love and laugh.
I want them to face the opportunities that life brings them with open arms, knowing that pain is part of the process and makes the good times that much better.
I want them to connect. To love and be loved.
I want them to touch people.
P.S. For all that I am I just want to say,
"sank you mommy! sank you! sank you! sank you!"