I have made some life decisions recently that I hope will make a great difference in the way I traverse and view the world. I am trying to release spite. I am trying to embrace my faults and celebrate the fact that they are a large part of who I am and who I am is worth embracing.
I am trying to stop painful cycles that hurt only me. I am trying to see and accept that people can only love me as much as they are capable of and if I want more than they can give then I will be hurt but they will still love me, just as they always did. I am accepting the limitations of others and realizing that all the love I get is good love.
So what does this have to do with my father? Nothing really.
I could expand on the fact that he made me who I am in no small part. And this is a good thing and a bad thing. But mostly I will just say that I love him for who he is and how he treats the people in his life. He is a good man. A man who will always want to be in the center of the spotlight and has a tendency to pout. He is a man, flawed like all men.
My brother is the second father in my life. He too demands the spotlight, he is just not quite as aware of this as a personality trait and so he can actually be a little more of a challenge. He is not as old as my father and so his self awareness may come. He may also have a shift in his personality as time goes by. He has limits and he is the reason that I turn my gaze inward. I love him as I love and he loves me as he loves and that is enough. It has to be. Because that is all there is and I have to stop being hurt by his best efforts.
My husband is my main man. The keeper of my key and the father of my children. He is rash and moody and sweet and loving. He is a good man. He is involved and engaging and he can be selfish and selfless and annoying and endearing all at the same time. He is flawed. Our children do not yet understand their luck.
So as I look around at the fathers in my life I realize that the only thing that I can change in our relationships for the most part is me. I cannot continue to feel unloved by these men that love me with all that they have to give. I need to be satisfied with the love I get.
Don't get me wrong. I am not talking about spousal abuse or giving up an expectation of respect and understanding. And my relationship with my husband is stellar. He understands what I need because he needs the same things. We are well matched and complement each other in almost all things.
This is a declaration of independence for myself. These fathers are now free to love me as they will and I am free to enjoy that love without expectation and disapointment. Nothing will change for them, and I will be happier.