Wednesday, March 28, 2007

No God but me

So I am having a balancing problem again.

I suffer from this from time to time and I can't quite work through it enough to move past it. Maybe it's a constantly moving object and I will never really solve the problem just rearrange the load until it works and then begins to tilt again eventually.

Balance.

Me time, kid time, husband time, house time, friend time.

Balance.

I have come to a realization: I am a bit controlling.

I have a hard time letting my husband do a job that I do, differently. Note that I am not saying that he will not do it as well as I do. But, he will do it differently. I have been unwilling to allow for this.

So I moan that the distribution of work is unfair. And I get tired and cranky and overwhelmed. He is happy to help. He is happy to do anything that I want him to. Sometimes it bothers me that this is the way it works. That he is waiting for guidance. But then I realize that I am in control. This is a control that I have chosen to assume and I cannot complain when it works against me occassionally.

We talked about this tonight. I made a point to stress that I am coming to terms with my own short comings and I would like some more help from him. I tried hard to be sure that he understood that this was my problem and I was in no way pointing a finger at him but admittedly even though he tried to understand it he said he still felt like I was calling him a dead beat.

He also said that anything I currently do will require a "transition period". That I cannot expect that he will all of the sudden know the ages at which the kids need check ups, what bills post to the account on what days, etc. I understand this too. And yet...it annoys me.

I learned this stuff. I wasn't born with the knowledge of health check ups, tax dates and bill payment.

Such a dilemma. I do not like the lunches he packs for the kids. BUT THEY ARE JUST LUNCHES!!!!! The kids will eat and be healthy and all will be fine in the world. If I want to share the responsibility I have to admit to the fact that he will do things differently. And I think as all good racists will tell you different=bad. I will not be a lunch racist.

I need to practice love and tolerance. I need to delegate and realize that the end result - happy kids, paid bills, Drs. Appts made and kept, meals that I would not have made myself but still satisfy the hunger. Are all the signs of love and balance.

Release.

Breath deeply.

And choose. What do I know I can most easily stay out of? Because I know it is not fair to pass something on to him and then micromanage the task. Not fair to either of us and defeating the point.

So.

Bills.

I hate bills.

I will create a calendar or when payments post. I will include when pay checks are due to deposit. And I will answer each question with the happy knowledge that the more he knows, the sooner I will no longer have to worry about the bills.

I married this man because he is my best friend and my life partner.

In Him I trust.

So he will make lunches every other day and help with bills.

I can already feel the scales shifting.

Balance.

1 comment:

Anjali said...

Let me put on my Professor Feminist hat for a moment.

You are NOT having a problem balancing things. It's society that has the problem. All of us moms think we all have issues of control with respect to household work. But I don't think this is true. We don't live in a vacuum. We are raised to think it's our job to manage the household, and whether we work outside the home or not, we mostly still do.

Our struggles to balance things are not our individual problems -- they are societal ones.

(Hat coming off.)

And most importantly, I LOVE doing bills. Hand them over and I'll pay everything for you.

Great post!