Betrayal

I have been decidedly absent from this blog.

Sorry about that. I have been dealing with some stuff (read shit).

I am not sure just how open I am going to be but let's just say that the truce I signed with body has ended and the cease fire is over.

I am being assaulted again.

On an entirely different front this time...

Oh well, I will update more information as soon as I know more.

Until then, send me good wishes.

I am traveling to Florida to eat some Turkey and will be gone from all connections.

So have a great turkey day!

Peace Out.

Brain dump

So much to write about so little time.

I actually came up with a meme.

5 reasons I am a freak.

1. I love musicals
I fell in love at seven when my parents took me to see Annie and have been going strong ever since. I am considering a SIRIUS subscription solely on the basis that they have a 24/hour Broadway channel. Heaven!

2. I love romance novels
This is one of those things that seemed to be a much bigger deal when I first fell in love than it is now. This is a huge genre. I once thought that the romance novel love affair would end once I found real love but it hasn't. And I will add smugly that I can in fact see my own love in all the fantasy and somehow that has made it even better.

3. I love fantasy - books, movies I am not choosy
Lord of the Rings to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If it has an element of paranormal - I am in! I used to play Dungeon and Dragons when I was in elementary school and I loved the imagination involved. I love to suspend cynicism and skepticism for just a while and enjoy the story.


4. Sometimes I don't use a tissue
Ha ha just kidding. That doesn't make me a freak!
right?

5. I love to sing
See #1. My all time long-standing dream is to actually be IN a musical. But it will probably never happen because I think I would actually be greatly disappointed. I prefer to imagine the wonder of the thing. Plus I am at heart a coward.

So I am tagging all (3) of you who read this blog and are looking for something to write about for NABLOBAMA.

Get your freak on!

Setting the tone.

So I didn't watch the election coverage.

Instead my husband and I retreated into our DVR and hid. Did I mention I was terrified?

At approximately 11 o'clock my mother called me screaming.

"Turn on CNN" she said, "He won!"

I hung up with her and turned on Fox instead.

And then I believed her.

I didn't turn the TV off again until just before two am.

I thought both candidates gave excellent speeches.

They both seemed to be reaching over to pull everyone in together. Obama more than McCain, but that is how it should be. He is the one we elected to do the job.

I was not overwhelmed by Obama's speech but I think that was actually his point. I truly believe that he began campaigning to the rest of America with that speech.

And I can't remember when a candidate acknowledged those that didn't vote for him in his acceptance speech.

I know Bush didn't.

So I am glad to be an American.

Proud of the country that made this choice. Opted in to this future.

And I am hopeful that those who made a different choice will look with open minds and understanding toward a future that includes them too.

I am not gloating. And I am not celebrating too loudly.

I did both of those things when my vote helped elect Clinton.

Now I am aware of the other side in a way that I never was before and I know good people who are sad that their candidate will not lead them into tomorrow.

And while I am so glad that my candidate is the one who will be doing this I am willing to do whatever I can to make sure that they understand that my choice included them.

My choice was for them too.

Barak Obama will be the president of these united states come January. He seems to be willing to accept that challenge.

And so am I.

The Teacher of our country

I have been having fun trying to explain exactly what it is that mommy and daddy are so excited about.

And more importantly what the sign is in our front yard.

My four and two year old are very interested in that sign.

So, we told her that there are two men who would like to be the "teacher" of our country. And tried to put it in daycare terms. Barak Obama is Miss Tami and Joe Biden is her assistant teacher, Miss Carrie.

We chose Miss Tami as our example because she is my daughter's teacher and both of my kids love her. My husband and I both think that if Miss Tami asked her, Maya would disappear with her forever. And we wouldn't blame her one bit.

Miss Tami is wonderful.

So Barak Obama is Miss Tami. The teacher of our country. The one who guides your day and answers your questions, etc. He's the guy that mommy and daddy would like to be our next teacher.

And much like on movie night the kids get to pick which movie they would like to watch, mommy and daddy will be picking Mr. Obama as our teacher today.

So this is the question I got today.

"Who is the other movie choice?"

So I explained that he is named John McCain.

And so she asked, "Is he the bad guy?"

My husband quickly said yes. My daughter waited for me while I thought about it.

"No, he is not the bad guy. But Obama is the better guy. The best guy. And that's why mommy and daddy are voting for him. We think he will make the best teacher for our country."

And she said "oh."

And then she said, "Nate and Sammy like him for teacher too."

Nate and Sammy are her classmates and I am friendly with their parents but have never discussed politics with them.

But somehow knowing that they are also for Obama - made my morning.

I hope they are among the many. The majority.

The decision makers.

Or else, in 2012 I am nominating Miss Tami.

On the eve of something...

I have been ignoring the election for the last few days.

And I realized today that it is due to one simple reason.

I
am
terrified.

Down in the depths of my stomach terrified.

I am not sure what I will do if Obama is not the next president.

I didn't realize just how much this means to me.

I very much want to believe that this is the country I live in.

The country that would choose Obama.

A country that would elect change.

A country that actually represents what our fore fathers intended.

Freedom

And Justice

And equality for everyone.

I want this country to be the package we have been promised.

The promise we were given as children.

The victory that my parents fought for and my grandparents bled for.

I don't believe that this election is about race but I do think it is about opportunity. And I do think it is about stepping forward. Stepping toward a tomorrow that is colored with promise and opportunity.

And equal opportunity.

And a chance for a future that is hopeful for everyone.

And as someone of color, I find that this is about race for me. If Obama were who he is, and standing for what he stands for and he were white he would still be my choice.

But he isn't. His skin is the color of my family.

I would love to believe that my brother could be president, that my nephew could be president.

I have been told this. Promised this.

But deep down I knew it wasn't true.

I didn't believe it. Not really.

Obama has made me hope for this.

He represents the promise kept.

Equality and opportunity.

I don't think I wanted to admit how much this meant.

I chose to ignore it.

And now it scares me to my soul.

A people is standing up to be heard.

I pray they are loud enough.


I want us to have the America that Obama promises.

We deserve it.

All of us.

The Abortion Conflict

I am terribly conflicted about abortion. It troubles me that it is such a divisive issue and that there seems to be so little common ground on which both sides can stand.

And everyone is always angry when they talk about abortion.

Let me start by saying that I have driven two girlfriend's to get abortions. I have waited in the waiting room and held their hands as they cramped and cried. And I have watched as they returned to their normal college existence and moved on.

I myself, have never had an abortion. Nor would I choose to.

There are is one thing I am sure of about abortion:
Women will get abortions, regardless of the law.

I would never get an abortion but I will fight for the right for someone else to have the right. That might seem contrary but the truth is I am not conflicted.

And yes I can say that. I know many anti-abortion activists will tell me that I am a hypocrite but I don't see it that way. There are many very important things that I do or don't do that I would never assume to make someone else comply with.

And I don't think that the anti-abortion activists are all wrong. I do think that killing doctors and bombing abortion clinics is wrong. But I feel that thinking of all anti-abortionist like that is kind of like what most of America does with the Muslim faith. They view the entire faith based on a few extremists. I try not to do that.

I try to listen to the arguments and try to find some common ground.

Abortions are nasty things. Horrible things. And I do believe that there are very few people who are "pro-abortion". Again, don't judge a group by it's radicals.

So believing this I have to do what Barak Obama is doing. I have to look for the common ground. I have to try and see what we can agree on.

So, what can we do to stop the number of abortions in this country?

I think we have proven that abstinence only programs just don't work. If you disagree with that statement then this is where we will officially diverge.

But if abstinence only programs don't work, what will? How can we make sure that unwanted babies are never conceived? How can we make sure that all babies born have good homes to go to?

There are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care right now. How many of these children are being adopted into loving homes by pro-life zealots? I think that is the truest way to practice what you preach (and this is one of the reasons I respect McCain.)

I don't know the stats but I do know that there are thousands of couples waiting for babies right now that talk about abortion as though it is preventing them the family they so desperately want. When in truth there are thousands of babies available to love, they are just the wrong color. You can't be pro-life, but only worry about white life.

In order to make any progress here, we have to zoom in on the things that we can agree on and work outward from there. Flippant remarks, name-calling and sarcastic banter is not the way to have a discussion. Not the way to make a point or more importantly, to make progress.

Commit to being part of the solution to the abortion conflict. No matter what side you are coming from, we can come together on this.

We are going to have to if we want to make any change.

In real life I am a princess...

Last week was national adoption week.
apparently.
I missed it.
Never even knew it existed. And still I feel the need to address it. Honor it.

Being adopted was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

If I had not been adopted I would not be who I am or where I am.

So therefore, it is the best thing that happened to me. It was the first step toward getting me where I am and where I am is pretty damn good.

Having said that I will also say that being adopted is sometimes hard.

Some of the difficulties are trivial:
my brother is model good looking and I often wished as a teen that I could have enjoyed some of those genetic good looks

To the not so trivial:
Most people thought my father was my stepfather and wondered how I could be so fair growing up with "black" parents. I suffered from racism from all sides.

And even with all that. I never thought to look for my birth parents. Never felt a need or a loss or anything challenging like that.

I have always known I was adopted. I don't remember a time that I didn't know. It is a part of who I am but it is such a small part. Such a tiny insignificant part.

But I had some "adoption trauma" moments.

When I was a preteen I became convinced that my aunt Sheila was my mother and that she had given to me my mom to raise. Some old family story about how she watched me when I was a baby convinced me that I was her love child.

I was terrified that she would want me back. I stopped hugging her and wanted no part of her for most of a year. Then my hormones calmed a little and I forgot all about it.

Then as a teen my dad and I had some pretty tough times and I started to imagine what my birth father would be like. In my imagination he was a king, a rich, nice, sweet king and he would bestow a bunch of money on me and leave me independently wealthy.

I never dreamed that he would be my dad, just my bank.

And that's as close as I ever came to any real issues with my adoption.

Then I read an article in Brain, Child (awesome mag btw) written by a birth mom about how much she misses her child and how she still thinks of herself as her daughter's mother...etc. And as a mom I started to think about this wonderful woman. This woman who had given me into a life I adore.

And I wondered if she worried about me.

And I wondered if she felt an empty part of her because I was and unknown. A lost child.

So I called my dad and told him I was thinking about finding my bio mom. And he said "It's about time, I don't know how you waited this long" and went about finding whatever records he could behind my mom's back because we both believed that even now, she wouldn't take to the idea.

Turns out we underestimated her. I told my mom. And she said, "I can understand that, she has grandchildren now."

And I said, "no, you have grandchildren. She has no claim on them. None whatsoever." and that was all it took for my mom. Apparently one level of removal was enough for her.

She would not have been nearly as understanding if I had made this decision at 18 but now, she's okay with it.

So. Using the information I had gathered from the little bit my parent's knew, I called the adoption agency that handled my placement and left a message for the woman the receptionist guided me to after explained what I wanted.

I waited.

Two weeks later, I called again and left another message.

And I waited again.

Then I poked around on the internet and registered at some sites that help children find missing bioparents.

And I was done.

And I sit here wondering if I will ever go further...and doubting it.

I am my mother's daughter.

That's enough.

It has always been enough.

So to the mystery woman who gave birth to me, named me Jennifer, cared for me, and then handed me over to the NJ adoption agency at the age of 6 weeks I say a heartfelt thank you.

And to everyone who is looking to adopt I say good luck. Like I said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Happy belated National Adoption week.