Okay I too am going the way of wordpress.
You can find me here:
http://thelifeyouchoose.wordpress.com
You'll have to cut and paste because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to paste this as a link. Sorry!
Hope to see you there soon!
Peace.
out.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I am agnostic
This post has been started in my head a number of times but I have yet to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as the case may be).
This blog started from an idea I had following another horrible act that was committed in the name of god.
I remain unclear on how religions that have the same basic principles can cause such division but I truly don't want to understand it. It is much like the star bellied sneetches.
The sum of it as I see it is this:
We want to be different, better than others and when you combine that with our need for community then in fact we want our group or community to be different and or different than another. And then you have trouble.
Oh wait, maybe I do understand it.
I just don't agree with it.
And don't get me wrong. I am not above feeling superior. Oh, no. I am pretty sure I am better than a lot of people. A WHOLE lot of people.
But I wouldn't kill them because of this. (want to, yes. actually do it, no.)
So anyway I was asked recently about my religious beliefs and I was able to answer the question the best was I have been able to - ever. I think that reflects my learned comfort level with my personal answers and my toned down lack of perceived censure from those that don't agree.
So. Here it is. I am agnostic.
I almost linked to the definition but I won't be held to it. Like all religious folk my definition of what I am is personal. I am what I feel it is to be agnostic. No two Catholics are the same. For some it means mass every day, for some it means mass every Christmas, maybe. They happily define themselves as Catholic and make no effort to reach the truest meaning of the definition.
And so it is with me.
What it means to me is that I am still asking the questions. I have not made a final decision regarding the God thing. Yet.
I still call on the ever-present deity of my youth when I am worried (in fact I made him some "bargain" promises lately that I am working hard to uphold) and all the time during sex. But for the most part that's just habit, not belief.
Because I am not sure. While I truly admire the faithful and think that there is nothing prettier than the sound of voices raised in praise of God, I am not that certain.
So I am living my life without God. This does not mean that I get angry when someone says "god bless you" when I sneeze. (you'd be surprised, I was once hissed at for this) But I say something else that means "good health to you".
And I am trying to raise my kids without God. This means they don't watch Veggie Tales because I refuse to diminish the importance that some feel for their god by treating it like any other fairy tale. That would be easy. And I rarely choose the easy route.
So I am trying to avoid the issue until they are old enough to understand the nuances. And I will talk to them then. And I will help them find answers to the questions they have. And I will let them explore their faith.
I might not know what I believe yet as far as god goes, but I have faith in my children. My strongest wish is just that they are happy and that they learn to be good people.
I have made the decision that this does not mean they need religion or god as their moral compass. They may choose differently.
And I won't want to kill them for their religious choice either.
This blog started from an idea I had following another horrible act that was committed in the name of god.
I remain unclear on how religions that have the same basic principles can cause such division but I truly don't want to understand it. It is much like the star bellied sneetches.
The sum of it as I see it is this:
We want to be different, better than others and when you combine that with our need for community then in fact we want our group or community to be different and or different than another. And then you have trouble.
Oh wait, maybe I do understand it.
I just don't agree with it.
And don't get me wrong. I am not above feeling superior. Oh, no. I am pretty sure I am better than a lot of people. A WHOLE lot of people.
But I wouldn't kill them because of this. (want to, yes. actually do it, no.)
So anyway I was asked recently about my religious beliefs and I was able to answer the question the best was I have been able to - ever. I think that reflects my learned comfort level with my personal answers and my toned down lack of perceived censure from those that don't agree.
So. Here it is. I am agnostic.
I almost linked to the definition but I won't be held to it. Like all religious folk my definition of what I am is personal. I am what I feel it is to be agnostic. No two Catholics are the same. For some it means mass every day, for some it means mass every Christmas, maybe. They happily define themselves as Catholic and make no effort to reach the truest meaning of the definition.
And so it is with me.
What it means to me is that I am still asking the questions. I have not made a final decision regarding the God thing. Yet.
I still call on the ever-present deity of my youth when I am worried (in fact I made him some "bargain" promises lately that I am working hard to uphold) and all the time during sex. But for the most part that's just habit, not belief.
Because I am not sure. While I truly admire the faithful and think that there is nothing prettier than the sound of voices raised in praise of God, I am not that certain.
So I am living my life without God. This does not mean that I get angry when someone says "god bless you" when I sneeze. (you'd be surprised, I was once hissed at for this) But I say something else that means "good health to you".
And I am trying to raise my kids without God. This means they don't watch Veggie Tales because I refuse to diminish the importance that some feel for their god by treating it like any other fairy tale. That would be easy. And I rarely choose the easy route.
So I am trying to avoid the issue until they are old enough to understand the nuances. And I will talk to them then. And I will help them find answers to the questions they have. And I will let them explore their faith.
I might not know what I believe yet as far as god goes, but I have faith in my children. My strongest wish is just that they are happy and that they learn to be good people.
I have made the decision that this does not mean they need religion or god as their moral compass. They may choose differently.
And I won't want to kill them for their religious choice either.
Monday, December 15, 2008
The best of the breat
In case you were playing along at home.
This is what I have.
Just a little lump of tissue. No big deal.
Just thought you might be interested in the final result.
I know I was.
In other news, I am thinking about moving to WordPress.
Any insight is appreciated!
This is what I have.
Just a little lump of tissue. No big deal.
Just thought you might be interested in the final result.
I know I was.
In other news, I am thinking about moving to WordPress.
Any insight is appreciated!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The Gift of Life
First let me say that this is not an abortion post.
Nope. That's not what I am talking about with my title.
I mean the gift of life that all of you who are reading this are enjoying.
And that's the key.
There are all sorts of sayings and cliches.
Live each moment to it's fullest.
Love what you do.
Life is short, enjoy it.
All of those basic stances lead to the fact that euthanasia is illegal.
And self termination is illegal.
And assisted suicide is illegal.
My grandmother died.
finally.
I loved her. And I liked her. Which is an important distinction to make.
She was a fun lady. Full of life and stories. Always moving, traveling, dancing, joking: eating life.
That is my grandmother.
Not the woman who sat in her nursing home room for the past years looking out. Not the woman who laid down for the last time almost a year ago and still somehow continued to wake up every morning.
That was not my grandmother.
My heart hurt every time my father called to give me news about her because it meant she was still here. Still hurting. Still this stranger who was not my grandmother.
And so she died. Passed away in pain.
And I don't believe in Heaven but she did. So I am certain that somehow she is happy and she is with my grandfather.
And all of this made me think of my sister-in-law and the choice she made when she took her own life.
She was not suffering from some mood swing. She did not make the decision in the spur of the moment or take it lightly.
She decided that this was not the world she wanted. She made her calls, made her plans, said her goodbyes and she left.
I can't agree with what that leaves behind. I cannot agree with the hole that she left in my husband's heart. I cannot say I agree with her decision.
But this episode with my grandma has made me realize that I can kind of agree with the sentiment.
Life is a gift. But if it doesn't fit, it stops working, or it's the wrong size, you should be able to return it.
Speaking of gifts, Christmas is only 14 days away.
Stop reading blogs and shop damn it!
Nope. That's not what I am talking about with my title.
I mean the gift of life that all of you who are reading this are enjoying.
And that's the key.
There are all sorts of sayings and cliches.
Live each moment to it's fullest.
Love what you do.
Life is short, enjoy it.
All of those basic stances lead to the fact that euthanasia is illegal.
And self termination is illegal.
And assisted suicide is illegal.
My grandmother died.
finally.
I loved her. And I liked her. Which is an important distinction to make.
She was a fun lady. Full of life and stories. Always moving, traveling, dancing, joking: eating life.
That is my grandmother.
Not the woman who sat in her nursing home room for the past years looking out. Not the woman who laid down for the last time almost a year ago and still somehow continued to wake up every morning.
That was not my grandmother.
My heart hurt every time my father called to give me news about her because it meant she was still here. Still hurting. Still this stranger who was not my grandmother.
And so she died. Passed away in pain.
And I don't believe in Heaven but she did. So I am certain that somehow she is happy and she is with my grandfather.
And all of this made me think of my sister-in-law and the choice she made when she took her own life.
She was not suffering from some mood swing. She did not make the decision in the spur of the moment or take it lightly.
She decided that this was not the world she wanted. She made her calls, made her plans, said her goodbyes and she left.
I can't agree with what that leaves behind. I cannot agree with the hole that she left in my husband's heart. I cannot say I agree with her decision.
But this episode with my grandma has made me realize that I can kind of agree with the sentiment.
Life is a gift. But if it doesn't fit, it stops working, or it's the wrong size, you should be able to return it.
Speaking of gifts, Christmas is only 14 days away.
Stop reading blogs and shop damn it!
Monday, December 08, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Boobies
This post will explain the ins and outs (get it?) of a breast biopsy.
Step one.
1. Arrive at testing center worried and annoyed. (and hungry because you couldn't remember if they told you not to eat.)
2. Be greeted by the nice lady who did your ultrasound after your mammogram (nice).
3. Calm down a little.
4. Disrobe from the waist up. (a nice change from the usual request when dealing with anything female)
5. Wait a little with your tummy grumbling...
6. Lay down on the bed/table in front of the ultrasound machine while the tech checks your boob.
7. Yep, the lump is still there. (no surprise, but - gulp!)
8. Wait for the doctor to arrive...
9. Be amazed at how nice she is while she too pokes and prods your breast. (oops I forgot mention that step six is to abandon any and all modesty regarding your boobs.)
10. Listen while she explains the procedure.
11. Turn away so that you don't watch the long needle entering your breast tissue.
11a. Pretend that the boob on the ultrasound machine is not yours.
12. Be amazed at the immediate numbing of your entire boob. (what boob?)
13. Watch the ultrasound screen as she inserts a hollow shaft into your boob that reaches into the lump. (how fascinating. I can see the white line as it enters the black mass, neat!)
14. Watch (the machine)as she then inserts the biopsy needle into the hollow shaft.
15. Try not to flinch at the loud click of the biopsy needle as it snips of a portion of your boob. (if your doctor is smart, as mine was, she will have clicked this mechanism outside of your boob so you know what to expect)
16. Try not to flinch four more times as she takes a total of five samples.
17. Don't watch as she finishes and removes the biopsy needle and the hollow shaft and blood oozes down your booby.
18. Thank the doctor and tell her you will wait for her call in TWO DAYS to let you know what they find.
19. Don't ask all the questions you have if it IS cancer, you will have plenty of time for that if it IS cancer.
20. Wait with a band aid and ice pack on your poor booby in the waiting room until they tell you to go home.
21. Wait for Monday without going insane.
oh and whine a lot to your husband. They have an amazing affection for this portion of your anatomy and they are sure to be overly sympathetic...
Step one.
1. Arrive at testing center worried and annoyed. (and hungry because you couldn't remember if they told you not to eat.)
2. Be greeted by the nice lady who did your ultrasound after your mammogram (nice).
3. Calm down a little.
4. Disrobe from the waist up. (a nice change from the usual request when dealing with anything female)
5. Wait a little with your tummy grumbling...
6. Lay down on the bed/table in front of the ultrasound machine while the tech checks your boob.
7. Yep, the lump is still there. (no surprise, but - gulp!)
8. Wait for the doctor to arrive...
9. Be amazed at how nice she is while she too pokes and prods your breast. (oops I forgot mention that step six is to abandon any and all modesty regarding your boobs.)
10. Listen while she explains the procedure.
11. Turn away so that you don't watch the long needle entering your breast tissue.
11a. Pretend that the boob on the ultrasound machine is not yours.
12. Be amazed at the immediate numbing of your entire boob. (what boob?)
13. Watch the ultrasound screen as she inserts a hollow shaft into your boob that reaches into the lump. (how fascinating. I can see the white line as it enters the black mass, neat!)
14. Watch (the machine)as she then inserts the biopsy needle into the hollow shaft.
15. Try not to flinch at the loud click of the biopsy needle as it snips of a portion of your boob. (if your doctor is smart, as mine was, she will have clicked this mechanism outside of your boob so you know what to expect)
16. Try not to flinch four more times as she takes a total of five samples.
17. Don't watch as she finishes and removes the biopsy needle and the hollow shaft and blood oozes down your booby.
18. Thank the doctor and tell her you will wait for her call in TWO DAYS to let you know what they find.
19. Don't ask all the questions you have if it IS cancer, you will have plenty of time for that if it IS cancer.
20. Wait with a band aid and ice pack on your poor booby in the waiting room until they tell you to go home.
21. Wait for Monday without going insane.
oh and whine a lot to your husband. They have an amazing affection for this portion of your anatomy and they are sure to be overly sympathetic...
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Six degrees
I always seem to get those annoying emails.
The ones that should have been verified by someone, anyone, before being sent to the 1000+ people in that person's distribution list.
I get those emails from my parents.
Mostly my mom really, but sometimes my dad. (I think I sent my dad the link to snopes enough times that he stopped sending them to me.)
So the fun game that I play with these emails is to drill down to the original sender (usually at least three sender lists removed) and look at their original email list and see if I recognize any names.
I am not sure WHY I do this.
The list I am looking at does not include my mom's name. Hers does not usually appear for three or more forwards, three or four more email lists.
But for some reason I always scroll through that original listing to see if I know anyone. I usually don't. And in truth even when I recognize a name I can never be sure that it is actually the person I know...
I also follow the path to my mom.
I look to see who sent it to who, who then in turn sent it to my mom.
Somehow this makes these emails more bearable.
I don't always do it.
Usually I just erase these pesky emails.
But somehow the tracking of the email path has some fascination for me...
Not sure why.
The new age six degrees of separation...
The ones that should have been verified by someone, anyone, before being sent to the 1000+ people in that person's distribution list.
I get those emails from my parents.
Mostly my mom really, but sometimes my dad. (I think I sent my dad the link to snopes enough times that he stopped sending them to me.)
So the fun game that I play with these emails is to drill down to the original sender (usually at least three sender lists removed) and look at their original email list and see if I recognize any names.
I am not sure WHY I do this.
The list I am looking at does not include my mom's name. Hers does not usually appear for three or more forwards, three or four more email lists.
But for some reason I always scroll through that original listing to see if I know anyone. I usually don't. And in truth even when I recognize a name I can never be sure that it is actually the person I know...
I also follow the path to my mom.
I look to see who sent it to who, who then in turn sent it to my mom.
Somehow this makes these emails more bearable.
I don't always do it.
Usually I just erase these pesky emails.
But somehow the tracking of the email path has some fascination for me...
Not sure why.
The new age six degrees of separation...
Friday, November 21, 2008
Betrayal
I have been decidedly absent from this blog.
Sorry about that. I have been dealing with some stuff (read shit).
I am not sure just how open I am going to be but let's just say that the truce I signed with body has ended and the cease fire is over.
I am being assaulted again.
On an entirely different front this time...
Oh well, I will update more information as soon as I know more.
Until then, send me good wishes.
I am traveling to Florida to eat some Turkey and will be gone from all connections.
So have a great turkey day!
Peace Out.
Sorry about that. I have been dealing with some stuff (read shit).
I am not sure just how open I am going to be but let's just say that the truce I signed with body has ended and the cease fire is over.
I am being assaulted again.
On an entirely different front this time...
Oh well, I will update more information as soon as I know more.
Until then, send me good wishes.
I am traveling to Florida to eat some Turkey and will be gone from all connections.
So have a great turkey day!
Peace Out.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Brain dump
So much to write about so little time.
I actually came up with a meme.
5 reasons I am a freak.
1. I love musicals
I fell in love at seven when my parents took me to see Annie and have been going strong ever since. I am considering a SIRIUS subscription solely on the basis that they have a 24/hour Broadway channel. Heaven!
2. I love romance novels
This is one of those things that seemed to be a much bigger deal when I first fell in love than it is now. This is a huge genre. I once thought that the romance novel love affair would end once I found real love but it hasn't. And I will add smugly that I can in fact see my own love in all the fantasy and somehow that has made it even better.
3. I love fantasy - books, movies I am not choosy
Lord of the Rings to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If it has an element of paranormal - I am in! I used to play Dungeon and Dragons when I was in elementary school and I loved the imagination involved. I love to suspend cynicism and skepticism for just a while and enjoy the story.
4. Sometimes I don't use a tissue
Ha ha just kidding. That doesn't make me a freak!
right?
5. I love to sing
See #1. My all time long-standing dream is to actually be IN a musical. But it will probably never happen because I think I would actually be greatly disappointed. I prefer to imagine the wonder of the thing. Plus I am at heart a coward.
So I am tagging all (3) of you who read this blog and are looking for something to write about for NABLOBAMA.
Get your freak on!
I actually came up with a meme.
5 reasons I am a freak.
1. I love musicals
I fell in love at seven when my parents took me to see Annie and have been going strong ever since. I am considering a SIRIUS subscription solely on the basis that they have a 24/hour Broadway channel. Heaven!
2. I love romance novels
This is one of those things that seemed to be a much bigger deal when I first fell in love than it is now. This is a huge genre. I once thought that the romance novel love affair would end once I found real love but it hasn't. And I will add smugly that I can in fact see my own love in all the fantasy and somehow that has made it even better.
3. I love fantasy - books, movies I am not choosy
Lord of the Rings to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If it has an element of paranormal - I am in! I used to play Dungeon and Dragons when I was in elementary school and I loved the imagination involved. I love to suspend cynicism and skepticism for just a while and enjoy the story.
4. Sometimes I don't use a tissue
Ha ha just kidding. That doesn't make me a freak!
right?
5. I love to sing
See #1. My all time long-standing dream is to actually be IN a musical. But it will probably never happen because I think I would actually be greatly disappointed. I prefer to imagine the wonder of the thing. Plus I am at heart a coward.
So I am tagging all (3) of you who read this blog and are looking for something to write about for NABLOBAMA.
Get your freak on!
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Setting the tone.
So I didn't watch the election coverage.
Instead my husband and I retreated into our DVR and hid. Did I mention I was terrified?
At approximately 11 o'clock my mother called me screaming.
"Turn on CNN" she said, "He won!"
I hung up with her and turned on Fox instead.
And then I believed her.
I didn't turn the TV off again until just before two am.
I thought both candidates gave excellent speeches.
They both seemed to be reaching over to pull everyone in together. Obama more than McCain, but that is how it should be. He is the one we elected to do the job.
I was not overwhelmed by Obama's speech but I think that was actually his point. I truly believe that he began campaigning to the rest of America with that speech.
And I can't remember when a candidate acknowledged those that didn't vote for him in his acceptance speech.
I know Bush didn't.
So I am glad to be an American.
Proud of the country that made this choice. Opted in to this future.
And I am hopeful that those who made a different choice will look with open minds and understanding toward a future that includes them too.
I am not gloating. And I am not celebrating too loudly.
I did both of those things when my vote helped elect Clinton.
Now I am aware of the other side in a way that I never was before and I know good people who are sad that their candidate will not lead them into tomorrow.
And while I am so glad that my candidate is the one who will be doing this I am willing to do whatever I can to make sure that they understand that my choice included them.
My choice was for them too.
Barak Obama will be the president of these united states come January. He seems to be willing to accept that challenge.
And so am I.
Instead my husband and I retreated into our DVR and hid. Did I mention I was terrified?
At approximately 11 o'clock my mother called me screaming.
"Turn on CNN" she said, "He won!"
I hung up with her and turned on Fox instead.
And then I believed her.
I didn't turn the TV off again until just before two am.
I thought both candidates gave excellent speeches.
They both seemed to be reaching over to pull everyone in together. Obama more than McCain, but that is how it should be. He is the one we elected to do the job.
I was not overwhelmed by Obama's speech but I think that was actually his point. I truly believe that he began campaigning to the rest of America with that speech.
And I can't remember when a candidate acknowledged those that didn't vote for him in his acceptance speech.
I know Bush didn't.
So I am glad to be an American.
Proud of the country that made this choice. Opted in to this future.
And I am hopeful that those who made a different choice will look with open minds and understanding toward a future that includes them too.
I am not gloating. And I am not celebrating too loudly.
I did both of those things when my vote helped elect Clinton.
Now I am aware of the other side in a way that I never was before and I know good people who are sad that their candidate will not lead them into tomorrow.
And while I am so glad that my candidate is the one who will be doing this I am willing to do whatever I can to make sure that they understand that my choice included them.
My choice was for them too.
Barak Obama will be the president of these united states come January. He seems to be willing to accept that challenge.
And so am I.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
The Teacher of our country
I have been having fun trying to explain exactly what it is that mommy and daddy are so excited about.
And more importantly what the sign is in our front yard.
My four and two year old are very interested in that sign.
So, we told her that there are two men who would like to be the "teacher" of our country. And tried to put it in daycare terms. Barak Obama is Miss Tami and Joe Biden is her assistant teacher, Miss Carrie.
We chose Miss Tami as our example because she is my daughter's teacher and both of my kids love her. My husband and I both think that if Miss Tami asked her, Maya would disappear with her forever. And we wouldn't blame her one bit.
Miss Tami is wonderful.
So Barak Obama is Miss Tami. The teacher of our country. The one who guides your day and answers your questions, etc. He's the guy that mommy and daddy would like to be our next teacher.
And much like on movie night the kids get to pick which movie they would like to watch, mommy and daddy will be picking Mr. Obama as our teacher today.
So this is the question I got today.
"Who is the other movie choice?"
So I explained that he is named John McCain.
And so she asked, "Is he the bad guy?"
My husband quickly said yes. My daughter waited for me while I thought about it.
"No, he is not the bad guy. But Obama is the better guy. The best guy. And that's why mommy and daddy are voting for him. We think he will make the best teacher for our country."
And she said "oh."
And then she said, "Nate and Sammy like him for teacher too."
Nate and Sammy are her classmates and I am friendly with their parents but have never discussed politics with them.
But somehow knowing that they are also for Obama - made my morning.
I hope they are among the many. The majority.
The decision makers.
Or else, in 2012 I am nominating Miss Tami.
And more importantly what the sign is in our front yard.
My four and two year old are very interested in that sign.
So, we told her that there are two men who would like to be the "teacher" of our country. And tried to put it in daycare terms. Barak Obama is Miss Tami and Joe Biden is her assistant teacher, Miss Carrie.
We chose Miss Tami as our example because she is my daughter's teacher and both of my kids love her. My husband and I both think that if Miss Tami asked her, Maya would disappear with her forever. And we wouldn't blame her one bit.
Miss Tami is wonderful.
So Barak Obama is Miss Tami. The teacher of our country. The one who guides your day and answers your questions, etc. He's the guy that mommy and daddy would like to be our next teacher.
And much like on movie night the kids get to pick which movie they would like to watch, mommy and daddy will be picking Mr. Obama as our teacher today.
So this is the question I got today.
"Who is the other movie choice?"
So I explained that he is named John McCain.
And so she asked, "Is he the bad guy?"
My husband quickly said yes. My daughter waited for me while I thought about it.
"No, he is not the bad guy. But Obama is the better guy. The best guy. And that's why mommy and daddy are voting for him. We think he will make the best teacher for our country."
And she said "oh."
And then she said, "Nate and Sammy like him for teacher too."
Nate and Sammy are her classmates and I am friendly with their parents but have never discussed politics with them.
But somehow knowing that they are also for Obama - made my morning.
I hope they are among the many. The majority.
The decision makers.
Or else, in 2012 I am nominating Miss Tami.
Monday, November 03, 2008
On the eve of something...
I have been ignoring the election for the last few days.
And I realized today that it is due to one simple reason.
I
am
terrified.
Down in the depths of my stomach terrified.
I am not sure what I will do if Obama is not the next president.
I didn't realize just how much this means to me.
I very much want to believe that this is the country I live in.
The country that would choose Obama.
A country that would elect change.
A country that actually represents what our fore fathers intended.
Freedom
And Justice
And equality for everyone.
I want this country to be the package we have been promised.
The promise we were given as children.
The victory that my parents fought for and my grandparents bled for.
I don't believe that this election is about race but I do think it is about opportunity. And I do think it is about stepping forward. Stepping toward a tomorrow that is colored with promise and opportunity.
And equal opportunity.
And a chance for a future that is hopeful for everyone.
And as someone of color, I find that this is about race for me. If Obama were who he is, and standing for what he stands for and he were white he would still be my choice.
But he isn't. His skin is the color of my family.
I would love to believe that my brother could be president, that my nephew could be president.
I have been told this. Promised this.
But deep down I knew it wasn't true.
I didn't believe it. Not really.
Obama has made me hope for this.
He represents the promise kept.
Equality and opportunity.
I don't think I wanted to admit how much this meant.
I chose to ignore it.
And now it scares me to my soul.
A people is standing up to be heard.
I pray they are loud enough.
I want us to have the America that Obama promises.
We deserve it.
All of us.
And I realized today that it is due to one simple reason.
I
am
terrified.
Down in the depths of my stomach terrified.
I am not sure what I will do if Obama is not the next president.
I didn't realize just how much this means to me.
I very much want to believe that this is the country I live in.
The country that would choose Obama.
A country that would elect change.
A country that actually represents what our fore fathers intended.
Freedom
And Justice
And equality for everyone.
I want this country to be the package we have been promised.
The promise we were given as children.
The victory that my parents fought for and my grandparents bled for.
I don't believe that this election is about race but I do think it is about opportunity. And I do think it is about stepping forward. Stepping toward a tomorrow that is colored with promise and opportunity.
And equal opportunity.
And a chance for a future that is hopeful for everyone.
And as someone of color, I find that this is about race for me. If Obama were who he is, and standing for what he stands for and he were white he would still be my choice.
But he isn't. His skin is the color of my family.
I would love to believe that my brother could be president, that my nephew could be president.
I have been told this. Promised this.
But deep down I knew it wasn't true.
I didn't believe it. Not really.
Obama has made me hope for this.
He represents the promise kept.
Equality and opportunity.
I don't think I wanted to admit how much this meant.
I chose to ignore it.
And now it scares me to my soul.
A people is standing up to be heard.
I pray they are loud enough.
I want us to have the America that Obama promises.
We deserve it.
All of us.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Abortion Conflict
I am terribly conflicted about abortion. It troubles me that it is such a divisive issue and that there seems to be so little common ground on which both sides can stand.
And everyone is always angry when they talk about abortion.
Let me start by saying that I have driven two girlfriend's to get abortions. I have waited in the waiting room and held their hands as they cramped and cried. And I have watched as they returned to their normal college existence and moved on.
I myself, have never had an abortion. Nor would I choose to.
There are is one thing I am sure of about abortion:
Women will get abortions, regardless of the law.
I would never get an abortion but I will fight for the right for someone else to have the right. That might seem contrary but the truth is I am not conflicted.
And yes I can say that. I know many anti-abortion activists will tell me that I am a hypocrite but I don't see it that way. There are many very important things that I do or don't do that I would never assume to make someone else comply with.
And I don't think that the anti-abortion activists are all wrong. I do think that killing doctors and bombing abortion clinics is wrong. But I feel that thinking of all anti-abortionist like that is kind of like what most of America does with the Muslim faith. They view the entire faith based on a few extremists. I try not to do that.
I try to listen to the arguments and try to find some common ground.
Abortions are nasty things. Horrible things. And I do believe that there are very few people who are "pro-abortion". Again, don't judge a group by it's radicals.
So believing this I have to do what Barak Obama is doing. I have to look for the common ground. I have to try and see what we can agree on.
So, what can we do to stop the number of abortions in this country?
I think we have proven that abstinence only programs just don't work. If you disagree with that statement then this is where we will officially diverge.
But if abstinence only programs don't work, what will? How can we make sure that unwanted babies are never conceived? How can we make sure that all babies born have good homes to go to?
There are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care right now. How many of these children are being adopted into loving homes by pro-life zealots? I think that is the truest way to practice what you preach (and this is one of the reasons I respect McCain.)
I don't know the stats but I do know that there are thousands of couples waiting for babies right now that talk about abortion as though it is preventing them the family they so desperately want. When in truth there are thousands of babies available to love, they are just the wrong color. You can't be pro-life, but only worry about white life.
In order to make any progress here, we have to zoom in on the things that we can agree on and work outward from there. Flippant remarks, name-calling and sarcastic banter is not the way to have a discussion. Not the way to make a point or more importantly, to make progress.
Commit to being part of the solution to the abortion conflict. No matter what side you are coming from, we can come together on this.
We are going to have to if we want to make any change.
And everyone is always angry when they talk about abortion.
Let me start by saying that I have driven two girlfriend's to get abortions. I have waited in the waiting room and held their hands as they cramped and cried. And I have watched as they returned to their normal college existence and moved on.
I myself, have never had an abortion. Nor would I choose to.
There are is one thing I am sure of about abortion:
Women will get abortions, regardless of the law.
I would never get an abortion but I will fight for the right for someone else to have the right. That might seem contrary but the truth is I am not conflicted.
And yes I can say that. I know many anti-abortion activists will tell me that I am a hypocrite but I don't see it that way. There are many very important things that I do or don't do that I would never assume to make someone else comply with.
And I don't think that the anti-abortion activists are all wrong. I do think that killing doctors and bombing abortion clinics is wrong. But I feel that thinking of all anti-abortionist like that is kind of like what most of America does with the Muslim faith. They view the entire faith based on a few extremists. I try not to do that.
I try to listen to the arguments and try to find some common ground.
Abortions are nasty things. Horrible things. And I do believe that there are very few people who are "pro-abortion". Again, don't judge a group by it's radicals.
So believing this I have to do what Barak Obama is doing. I have to look for the common ground. I have to try and see what we can agree on.
So, what can we do to stop the number of abortions in this country?
I think we have proven that abstinence only programs just don't work. If you disagree with that statement then this is where we will officially diverge.
But if abstinence only programs don't work, what will? How can we make sure that unwanted babies are never conceived? How can we make sure that all babies born have good homes to go to?
There are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care right now. How many of these children are being adopted into loving homes by pro-life zealots? I think that is the truest way to practice what you preach (and this is one of the reasons I respect McCain.)
I don't know the stats but I do know that there are thousands of couples waiting for babies right now that talk about abortion as though it is preventing them the family they so desperately want. When in truth there are thousands of babies available to love, they are just the wrong color. You can't be pro-life, but only worry about white life.
In order to make any progress here, we have to zoom in on the things that we can agree on and work outward from there. Flippant remarks, name-calling and sarcastic banter is not the way to have a discussion. Not the way to make a point or more importantly, to make progress.
Commit to being part of the solution to the abortion conflict. No matter what side you are coming from, we can come together on this.
We are going to have to if we want to make any change.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
In real life I am a princess...
Last week was national adoption week.
apparently.
I missed it.
Never even knew it existed. And still I feel the need to address it. Honor it.
Being adopted was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
If I had not been adopted I would not be who I am or where I am.
So therefore, it is the best thing that happened to me. It was the first step toward getting me where I am and where I am is pretty damn good.
Having said that I will also say that being adopted is sometimes hard.
Some of the difficulties are trivial:
my brother is model good looking and I often wished as a teen that I could have enjoyed some of those genetic good looks
To the not so trivial:
Most people thought my father was my stepfather and wondered how I could be so fair growing up with "black" parents. I suffered from racism from all sides.
And even with all that. I never thought to look for my birth parents. Never felt a need or a loss or anything challenging like that.
I have always known I was adopted. I don't remember a time that I didn't know. It is a part of who I am but it is such a small part. Such a tiny insignificant part.
But I had some "adoption trauma" moments.
When I was a preteen I became convinced that my aunt Sheila was my mother and that she had given to me my mom to raise. Some old family story about how she watched me when I was a baby convinced me that I was her love child.
I was terrified that she would want me back. I stopped hugging her and wanted no part of her for most of a year. Then my hormones calmed a little and I forgot all about it.
Then as a teen my dad and I had some pretty tough times and I started to imagine what my birth father would be like. In my imagination he was a king, a rich, nice, sweet king and he would bestow a bunch of money on me and leave me independently wealthy.
I never dreamed that he would be my dad, just my bank.
And that's as close as I ever came to any real issues with my adoption.
Then I read an article in Brain, Child (awesome mag btw) written by a birth mom about how much she misses her child and how she still thinks of herself as her daughter's mother...etc. And as a mom I started to think about this wonderful woman. This woman who had given me into a life I adore.
And I wondered if she worried about me.
And I wondered if she felt an empty part of her because I was and unknown. A lost child.
So I called my dad and told him I was thinking about finding my bio mom. And he said "It's about time, I don't know how you waited this long" and went about finding whatever records he could behind my mom's back because we both believed that even now, she wouldn't take to the idea.
Turns out we underestimated her. I told my mom. And she said, "I can understand that, she has grandchildren now."
And I said, "no, you have grandchildren. She has no claim on them. None whatsoever." and that was all it took for my mom. Apparently one level of removal was enough for her.
She would not have been nearly as understanding if I had made this decision at 18 but now, she's okay with it.
So. Using the information I had gathered from the little bit my parent's knew, I called the adoption agency that handled my placement and left a message for the woman the receptionist guided me to after explained what I wanted.
I waited.
Two weeks later, I called again and left another message.
And I waited again.
Then I poked around on the internet and registered at some sites that help children find missing bioparents.
And I was done.
And I sit here wondering if I will ever go further...and doubting it.
I am my mother's daughter.
That's enough.
It has always been enough.
So to the mystery woman who gave birth to me, named me Jennifer, cared for me, and then handed me over to the NJ adoption agency at the age of 6 weeks I say a heartfelt thank you.
And to everyone who is looking to adopt I say good luck. Like I said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Happy belated National Adoption week.
apparently.
I missed it.
Never even knew it existed. And still I feel the need to address it. Honor it.
Being adopted was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
If I had not been adopted I would not be who I am or where I am.
So therefore, it is the best thing that happened to me. It was the first step toward getting me where I am and where I am is pretty damn good.
Having said that I will also say that being adopted is sometimes hard.
Some of the difficulties are trivial:
my brother is model good looking and I often wished as a teen that I could have enjoyed some of those genetic good looks
To the not so trivial:
Most people thought my father was my stepfather and wondered how I could be so fair growing up with "black" parents. I suffered from racism from all sides.
And even with all that. I never thought to look for my birth parents. Never felt a need or a loss or anything challenging like that.
I have always known I was adopted. I don't remember a time that I didn't know. It is a part of who I am but it is such a small part. Such a tiny insignificant part.
But I had some "adoption trauma" moments.
When I was a preteen I became convinced that my aunt Sheila was my mother and that she had given to me my mom to raise. Some old family story about how she watched me when I was a baby convinced me that I was her love child.
I was terrified that she would want me back. I stopped hugging her and wanted no part of her for most of a year. Then my hormones calmed a little and I forgot all about it.
Then as a teen my dad and I had some pretty tough times and I started to imagine what my birth father would be like. In my imagination he was a king, a rich, nice, sweet king and he would bestow a bunch of money on me and leave me independently wealthy.
I never dreamed that he would be my dad, just my bank.
And that's as close as I ever came to any real issues with my adoption.
Then I read an article in Brain, Child (awesome mag btw) written by a birth mom about how much she misses her child and how she still thinks of herself as her daughter's mother...etc. And as a mom I started to think about this wonderful woman. This woman who had given me into a life I adore.
And I wondered if she worried about me.
And I wondered if she felt an empty part of her because I was and unknown. A lost child.
So I called my dad and told him I was thinking about finding my bio mom. And he said "It's about time, I don't know how you waited this long" and went about finding whatever records he could behind my mom's back because we both believed that even now, she wouldn't take to the idea.
Turns out we underestimated her. I told my mom. And she said, "I can understand that, she has grandchildren now."
And I said, "no, you have grandchildren. She has no claim on them. None whatsoever." and that was all it took for my mom. Apparently one level of removal was enough for her.
She would not have been nearly as understanding if I had made this decision at 18 but now, she's okay with it.
So. Using the information I had gathered from the little bit my parent's knew, I called the adoption agency that handled my placement and left a message for the woman the receptionist guided me to after explained what I wanted.
I waited.
Two weeks later, I called again and left another message.
And I waited again.
Then I poked around on the internet and registered at some sites that help children find missing bioparents.
And I was done.
And I sit here wondering if I will ever go further...and doubting it.
I am my mother's daughter.
That's enough.
It has always been enough.
So to the mystery woman who gave birth to me, named me Jennifer, cared for me, and then handed me over to the NJ adoption agency at the age of 6 weeks I say a heartfelt thank you.
And to everyone who is looking to adopt I say good luck. Like I said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Happy belated National Adoption week.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
It was seven years ago today...
That I married my love.
Much like many Americans we are really feeling the pinch of the economic crisis so there will be no lavish gift or exciting date night this year.
But we will be together.
And we have decided to renew our contract for another year.
I love him in a way that I never thought was possible to love another person and I love him more today than I did when I married him 7 years ago. I never thought that would be possible either.
So it really is a happy anniversary.
I am on my way out of town and will be unable to blog while gone. So I want to acknowledge the little soul that would have probably already joined our family but was officially due on October 18th.
My heart hurts whenever I think about the fact that we will never meet.
And I miss you.
Much like many Americans we are really feeling the pinch of the economic crisis so there will be no lavish gift or exciting date night this year.
But we will be together.
And we have decided to renew our contract for another year.
I love him in a way that I never thought was possible to love another person and I love him more today than I did when I married him 7 years ago. I never thought that would be possible either.
So it really is a happy anniversary.
I am on my way out of town and will be unable to blog while gone. So I want to acknowledge the little soul that would have probably already joined our family but was officially due on October 18th.
My heart hurts whenever I think about the fact that we will never meet.
And I miss you.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
If you choose not to decide...
So when I was growing up my brother used to be in LOVE with Rush. He still is as far as I know.
I hated them.
Hate
hate
hated them.
I can't think when there is music on. Even to this day if I am doing anything requiring any thought the only music I can tolerate is instrumental only.
So I spent most of my youth trying to think AROUND some very loud music. He was into very loud music. (Rush was actually one of the more mellow bands he listened to.)
So I hated the music.
And so I hated Rush.
Now that I am older I can control the when and the volume - I like Rush.
They are skilled musicians and their lyrics are sublime.
sublime.
And so I asked my brother for some cd's and he burned them for me and I occasionally sit around and listen to Geddy Lee and the gang.
That's all. Sometimes I listen.
And today I was wondering what else I missed out on because it was presented poorly and how I can avoid that mistake for my kids.
And then I realized that I have no chance.
The way my brother listened to Rush as a teen has helped to shape who he is and what he values.
It made me not like Rush.
No real harm done. And it helped Michael a great deal.
balancing.
Always balancing.
Anyway I thought about Rush today because there are still a great number of people out there who have not yet decided who they will vote for in less than a month!
And I am hopeful that they will either support Obama or stay home.
But as Rush says:
You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose freewill
I hated them.
Hate
hate
hated them.
I can't think when there is music on. Even to this day if I am doing anything requiring any thought the only music I can tolerate is instrumental only.
So I spent most of my youth trying to think AROUND some very loud music. He was into very loud music. (Rush was actually one of the more mellow bands he listened to.)
So I hated the music.
And so I hated Rush.
Now that I am older I can control the when and the volume - I like Rush.
They are skilled musicians and their lyrics are sublime.
sublime.
And so I asked my brother for some cd's and he burned them for me and I occasionally sit around and listen to Geddy Lee and the gang.
That's all. Sometimes I listen.
And today I was wondering what else I missed out on because it was presented poorly and how I can avoid that mistake for my kids.
And then I realized that I have no chance.
The way my brother listened to Rush as a teen has helped to shape who he is and what he values.
It made me not like Rush.
No real harm done. And it helped Michael a great deal.
balancing.
Always balancing.
Anyway I thought about Rush today because there are still a great number of people out there who have not yet decided who they will vote for in less than a month!
And I am hopeful that they will either support Obama or stay home.
But as Rush says:
You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose freewill
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Passion
I am fairly good at a lot of things.
I can play a decent game of tennis, dance to the rhythm and carry a tune.
I play the drums, when I am near them.
As a child I tried piano, tap, ballet, gymnastics, softball, field hockey, soccer and played the flute in band.
My parents exposed me to a lot.
And I was never very passionate about anything.
Not really.
My brother has music in his veins. My sister-in-law has Yoga in her soul. My husband will be a Ford Mustang in his next life.
I am not sure what I am passionate about.
Not like that, not in a hobby kind of a way.
I've never encountered anything I wanted to do that I couldn't do reasonably well, so I've never really been challenged.
And of the things I did, I never really felt the desire to be any better than mediocre...
Except writing.
I love to make up stories.
And I love to read what I have written to someone so they will enjoy the world or person I have created for a few moments.
But this is a passion I have no room for at the moment.
It is a passion that I cannot support.
So I am looking for a little passion.
Something small that will not consume me but will still help me with something to look forward to.
Can you help me out?
What's your passion?
I can play a decent game of tennis, dance to the rhythm and carry a tune.
I play the drums, when I am near them.
As a child I tried piano, tap, ballet, gymnastics, softball, field hockey, soccer and played the flute in band.
My parents exposed me to a lot.
And I was never very passionate about anything.
Not really.
My brother has music in his veins. My sister-in-law has Yoga in her soul. My husband will be a Ford Mustang in his next life.
I am not sure what I am passionate about.
Not like that, not in a hobby kind of a way.
I've never encountered anything I wanted to do that I couldn't do reasonably well, so I've never really been challenged.
And of the things I did, I never really felt the desire to be any better than mediocre...
Except writing.
I love to make up stories.
And I love to read what I have written to someone so they will enjoy the world or person I have created for a few moments.
But this is a passion I have no room for at the moment.
It is a passion that I cannot support.
So I am looking for a little passion.
Something small that will not consume me but will still help me with something to look forward to.
Can you help me out?
What's your passion?
Friday, October 03, 2008
Good News!
While not the train wreck I predicted I can still name two people who swung into the Obama camp last night because of Joe Biden. And one of them voted for Bush in both elections!!
Yipee!
Overall I thought the candidates did what they were supposed to. I did think that it was unfortunate that Palin never once had to answer a question with thought instead of a scripted and rehearsed response but she handled herself well...
But I was tickled by this and thought I would share.
Oh and I think Biden did a great job of following his orders which was to not look like he was picking on the poor hockey mom from Alaska while still calling her on some very key points.
Overall it was tragic only in its pure lack of tragedy.
Yipee!
Overall I thought the candidates did what they were supposed to. I did think that it was unfortunate that Palin never once had to answer a question with thought instead of a scripted and rehearsed response but she handled herself well...
But I was tickled by this and thought I would share.
Oh and I think Biden did a great job of following his orders which was to not look like he was picking on the poor hockey mom from Alaska while still calling her on some very key points.
Overall it was tragic only in its pure lack of tragedy.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Truly?
This site amused me. So here is the link.
I hope this evening's debate proves to be just as fun as I anticipate it will be.
I am almost heady in my girlish excitement.
There is most likely going to be a train wreck tonight...
And here's the thing that stops the giggle.
I truly feel that I would make a better choice for VP than this woman.
And I am truly saddened that she will be our benchmark going forward...
And I don't have anything against her personally. But she is a piss poor choice for vice president. piss poor.
And she should have known better. And I know that there are all those people that say that if someone offers you the vp spot you don't say no - but she should know how to say no. She believes in abstinence only for God's sake.
And I am trying really hard not to turn this into a joke because I feel like McCain already did that and I find it so so sad that there are so many people who don't get the joke.
Lots of women are out there right now feeling pretty good about our sex because of where she is.
I don't. But I do feel like she is the best example of sexual equality we've seen in a long while. Except. Well. Can you be an example of sexual equality if you were selected because of your sex???
Is there such a thing as reverse sexism?
no.
there isn't.
And I had a great deal of respect for McCain going into this. I did.
And he lost it all with his VP choice.
I cannot contemplate a world in which there is a president Sarah Palin.
I will not.
Please vote people.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Barak the Vote
I am not sure how to start this post.
The Presidential address and all that is going on in Washington scares me. Terrifies me actually.
And I watched the president of the United States of America tell me that our economy is collapsing and that we have to do something RIGHT NOW to protect our country.
And I was scared. What he said frightened the hell out of me. I am still scared.
And I am pissed.
Because not once in his speech did he address the point that we should all be FURIOUS about. While this is a genuine emergency now - why didn't we take steps to prevent it reaching this point?
Unlike 9/11 we saw this coming.
And I am not blaming this administration for creating this problem, because they didn't. As far as I can tell, with my very limited understanding of the situation, this is a problem that started more then 30 years ago and became exacerbated by the de-regulations that Clinton allowed. But this is not about cause or blame.
This is about what we do next. I have my answer. It it lies here. I love this commercial. I watched it this morning and became even more certain in my vote in November.
I hope that our politicians will come to some sort of agreement that will not send us spiraling into a dark age. But more than that I hope that Obama wins in November.
Because I am afraid for our country in a way that I have never been before. And I am tired of being afraid. This administration has used our fears to justify a lot.
They told us that we had to go into Iraq to prevent another attack on our country. They told us that there were weapons there that were pointed at us.
They told us we had to approve the Patriot Act to protect our citizens after 911.
They have played on our fears and created a domestic policy that is built on those fears. And so I am questioning the president's call for haste in this instance because I have seen what his calls for haste in the past have gotten us. I do not doubt there is a problem here - but I am cautious about the solution.
I am tired of acting from a place of fear. I am instead looking toward the future with hope for change.
This election is SO IMPORTANT.
So if you haven't registered - please do so - NOW - and make sure your voice is heard.
The Presidential address and all that is going on in Washington scares me. Terrifies me actually.
And I watched the president of the United States of America tell me that our economy is collapsing and that we have to do something RIGHT NOW to protect our country.
And I was scared. What he said frightened the hell out of me. I am still scared.
And I am pissed.
Because not once in his speech did he address the point that we should all be FURIOUS about. While this is a genuine emergency now - why didn't we take steps to prevent it reaching this point?
Unlike 9/11 we saw this coming.
And I am not blaming this administration for creating this problem, because they didn't. As far as I can tell, with my very limited understanding of the situation, this is a problem that started more then 30 years ago and became exacerbated by the de-regulations that Clinton allowed. But this is not about cause or blame.
This is about what we do next. I have my answer. It it lies here. I love this commercial. I watched it this morning and became even more certain in my vote in November.
I hope that our politicians will come to some sort of agreement that will not send us spiraling into a dark age. But more than that I hope that Obama wins in November.
Because I am afraid for our country in a way that I have never been before. And I am tired of being afraid. This administration has used our fears to justify a lot.
They told us that we had to go into Iraq to prevent another attack on our country. They told us that there were weapons there that were pointed at us.
They told us we had to approve the Patriot Act to protect our citizens after 911.
They have played on our fears and created a domestic policy that is built on those fears. And so I am questioning the president's call for haste in this instance because I have seen what his calls for haste in the past have gotten us. I do not doubt there is a problem here - but I am cautious about the solution.
I am tired of acting from a place of fear. I am instead looking toward the future with hope for change.
This election is SO IMPORTANT.
So if you haven't registered - please do so - NOW - and make sure your voice is heard.
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